Apr. 23: Mel & Mr. Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Don't forget to go to the WORT Bowl-a-Thon tonight, 5-11pm, at Village Lanes in scenic Monona.

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Different James Brown CD today - hearing the same thing every week gives the minions a false sense of security to fend off the forces of darkness. (Just like the Catholic Church?)

SP was away last week and says Lawrence U. is beautiful, but Appleton is boring.

Something exciting: Over the years, as many minions know, Mel and SP have accumulated a vast collection of potted meats. The collection is on loan to Mifflin St. Co-op at the corner of Mifflin and Bassett - check it out, see the meat and buy some tofu.

Church groups slam Clean Air Act. There used to be a fine activist Christian tradition in this country, until about twenty years ago... In Tim LeHaye's new book, these guys'll be writhing in agony on Judgement Day. Worms coming out of their eyeballs.

Meanwhile in Canada, mounties spend thousands on horses - kind of like Peg Lautenschlager with the car. Only if you get drunk on a horse he'll take you home. Horsegate! Man, those Canadians have their problems. Wish we had theirs instead.

Alert listener T. Walker sent in some James Brown news:

James Brown's wife has dissolved her marriage from her first husband so Brown can annul his marriage with her and then marry her again.

Here's the killer: they decided that once they get the annulment, they'll remarry.

Alert listener S. Hageman sent in letters from people who own parts of the moon that they've bought from the Lunar Embassy. See, this guy Dennis Hope has claimed that he owns the moon, and has been selling one-acre lots for $1999.
Swampland in Florida is one thing...

Nichole [hi guys], the M&F "official scribe," corroborates M&F stories with nifty links. SP says he read that Mel met Nichole at the library, and Mel said: "She was very nice - didn't seem crazy at all."
(Hope he's not just saying that...)

If you're listening on AM, stop it - you're violating all kinds of FCC laws. The regular engineer, Alan/Allen, is taking some time off to find himself.

*break*

The President is not a micromanager. A list of things Bush has said since 1997 (ostensibly from Harper's magazine).

Here's what gets SP's goat about recent media interviews with Kerry: here's a President who speaks fluent French...
Mel: He's not a president.
SP: I mean, a possible president.
Mel: Don't confuse the real President, he can barely speak English.
SP: Anyway, he's bilingual - you'd think that would be a point of pride for international relations. He used to answer reporters' questions in French, but stopped when he was criticized for doing so.

[conversation about Bush's military record compared to Kerry's]

SP: Let's talk about Bobby Short. I'm getting all worked up.
Bobby Short Ending His Run at the Carlyle.

Are toddlers who cannot sleep at higher risk of becoming teens who smoke, drink or do drugs?

SP is giving Mel the stink-eye over the different James Brown disc.

The exposure of Janet Jackson's breast at the Superbowl seems to have divided time into "Before Breast" and "After Breast." Broadcasters Fight Back Against Profanity Ruling.
Mel: I don't think I'll ever laugh again.

*break*

Last time SP went to fill up his car, he forgot where the gas cap was. He gave up and decided his bleached skeleton would be found weeks later - as he threw himself down in despair, he finally saw the gas cap right in front of him.

Beluga caviar imports ban to take effect.

How to build morale: call all your male employees "Charlie" and all your female employees "Cookie." Mel has a boss that mistakenly called him Kevin until Mel's last day on the job.

Top Ten Awards: paper certificates you can make to boost staff morale.
SP: If you really want to impress your employees, make paper crowns for 'em.
Can you pick out the "real" certificates?

1. Caught being good award


2. I love to learn award


3. I love to kiss ass award


4. Will wash my car award


5. Participation award (Mel's favorite)


6. Occupies space and time award


7. Great coach award


8. Incredible growth award (you know you can get medical treatment for that)


9. Good friend award


10. Awesome achivevement award

SP: Just pay them some screwing cash, jeez!

Now, Mel's own list:

1. Least offensive personal hygiene award


2. Eats fewer than 5 donuts a day award


3. Drones on and on in meetings until everyone else in the room wants to poke their eardrums out award


4. Procrasintor deluxe award


5. Least time spent on pr0n sites award


6. Haven't shot/stabbed coworker in more than a month award


7. Most creative use of a state car award (the Lautie)


8. Most consecutive days wearing tan dockers award (Mel and SP admit they could both win this one)


9. Longest streak of using the joke, "Working hard, or hardly working?" award


10. Least office supplies stolen (net weight) award

Iowa man invents lined diaper for dogs

Woman accused of making anitfreeze drink

OMAHA, Neb. - A bench trial is under way for an Omaha woman accused of spiking a margarita with antifreeze, then serving it to her former sister-in-law.
"Admittedly, it was a half-baked idea," [her attorney] said. "But the intent was to make her sick, not to kill her."

[And that's all I got.]