Candy bars, TV and sleeping late

Last time I did rotations with the jail library book cart, it was a Saturday morning and most inmates were still sleeping. On my way out of one pod, I commented on the quiet to the deputy. Between bites of an apple, he held forth:

"Yeah, candy bars, TV and sleeping late. Makes you think, hm? Is it actually helping these men with their low self-esteem, or is it just helping the social workers at the university feel good about themselves?"

Wha? Wondering if "low self-esteem" and "social workers" were code for something, I said, "Sometimes I wonder if the books are even worth it."

"Well, if they're the right kind of books. Better than TV, at least."

His comments bothered me as I finished up rotations. Why was I here, anyway? If I feel good after a visit, is it because I'm basking in my own virtue? Maybe I think it looks good on a resume. Or maybe I'm just trawling for content for this blog.

Do the inmates even read the books, rather than using them to prop up table legs or cover ramen in the microwave? Are we just giving them another resource to fight over? Are the books we have too old, too dirty (in form and content), too hard to read? Do the inmates get out and have a good laugh at all us college women (begging the pardon of both male JLG volunteers) wasting our Saturdays this way?

I was so preoccupied with this little interaction with the deputy, and the (chronic) doubts it stirred up, that I barely processed the fact that I was able to drop off more than a dozen books that people had specifically asked for. And on my way out of another pod, a woman asked me to find her some info on Alzheimer's because her dad had just been diagnosed.

Later I told JM about what the deputy had said. But when I recounted the bit about the woman who asked about Alzheimer's, I started crying like a bleeding heart. "I mean, there she is, and who else is gonna help her find out about this? It's bad enough she can't be with her dad..."

JM told me (not in so many words) to get a grip. Then he pointed out that he knew I knew people appreciated the books. And that half the people in jail are there waiting for trial, unable to pay their bail. As for the other half, it shouldn't matter what they did or who they are. I had some trouble with this, especially after the break-in, but it's true. Most of all, he reminded me that I do it because I'm called to. At this point, I almost can't not do it, or something like it.

I got to wondering what the deputy would propose as an alternative. Reveille at 6 and then... sitting around? Swanson's Vending is glad of their candy bar customers, to be sure. Was the dep's vague criticism of "social workers at the University" his way of feeling better about his job? Who can say.