nichole's auxiliary storage

Mel and Floyd audio portal

Dane 101 has begun pulling together extant Mel and Floyd audio, and spreading the word when new shows are posted. Great job!

Mel & Floyd audio now online!!

Thanks to Sarah and John (in NYC, of all places), episodes of WORT's own Mel and Floyd are now available as mp3s on Indymedia.org!

(For those of you outside Madison, Mel and Mr. Smarty Pants (and sometimes Floyd) have a one-hour slot on local radio during which they regurgitate the news through what could be described as an aural Fark-minus-Republicans-and-boobies-plus-extra-monkeys filter.)

Here are three shows to get this party started:

September 24: Indymedia article | mp3 audio

October 1: Indymedia article | mp3 audio

October 8: Indymedia article | mp3 audio

Watch for more at Indymedia and in my sidebar links under "Mel & Floyd audio!"

<1940NewYorkWorld'sFairAnnouncerVoice>This is a watershed development in the great tradition of community-sponsored radio in Madison, Wisconsin. Forward! </1940NewYorkWorld'sFairAnnouncerVoice>

Monkey drop

Last week I dropped off Shari Elf's personalized Monkey portrait at WORT, along with five copies of her CD "I'm Forcing Goodness Upon You." John Kraniak and various folks in the office are excited about using them as pledge premia.

John also asked me to spread the word that, still unbeknownst to Mel and Mr. Smarty Pants, their October pledge drive show will be held before a live studio audience. Tell your friends.

Plus, check the library catalog early and often for Shari's CD. She sent me a couple extras which I gave to the music selector, who should be adding them to the collection soon. Now if only those TS people would hurry them through a little faster, somehow...

"Monkey" by Shari Elf

Attention monkey lovers and Mel and Floyd fans! Here's a sneak preview of what could be the killer premium in WORT's next pledge drive.

Shari Elf handcrafted him from trash and personalized him with Mel and Floyd fans in mind. He's on his way to my house for a brief layover, then to WORT. Stay tuned!

Dogs and cars and Mel and Floyd

Thanks to Dorothea, I read and enjoyed Language Log's rant on the German dogs that supposedly understand language. Later this afternoon I heard Mel and Floyd pick up the story and give it a cursory riff or two - but it was too late. I couldn't laugh at their jokes, which didn't pick on the ridiculousness of the science but the novelty of the whole German dog thing. Man!

I've been easing symptoms of my MF withdrawal by getting news of the weird via fark (a guilty pleasure). But I am really glad I caught them today, quoting a story out of Paris which called the typical SUV a "caricature of a car."

Mel & Smarty Pants classic; and, I'm going on break.

May 21 brings us a "classic" episode, originally aired on March 26.

So I'm all graduated now and stuff, so I should have time on my hands, right? Not so. This summer promises to be busier than ever, so it's with a twinge of regret that I say that after almost 9 months of regularly recording the pithy remarks of Mel, Floyd, and Mr. Smarty Pants, I'm taking a break.

I might cover a show now and then, but now that there's a sample of the phenomenon that is Mel and Floyd's Summer Replacement Show recorded on the inter-net, my compulsion to archive it has subsided somewhat.

Plus, there's room for guest authors/Mel and Floyd scribes here. Drop me a line at jumbledpile@yahoo.com if you're interested.

May 14: Mel & Smarty Pants

Last week there was some enticing talk about chatting up librarians.
"What are you wearing? Is there a pencil in your hair?"
I was listening from my couch, post-school deadlines, even took a nap... it was lovely.

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

---

It's a problem to be omniscient but not omnipotent. Leads to lots of Cassandra moments.

Like watching a Bush press conference...

...not that he has many.

[missed, like, 10 minutes in another off-the-clock work-like conversation - dangit!! We're gonna get a DSL hookup at home soon, maybe I can take this gig out of the office then.]

They deep fry that salad just in case. [wish I knew what led up to that.]

Kerry blasts veterans' health care cuts.

You know, Limbaugh compared the prison atrocities to college hazing. Typical trivialization of evil...

Bush Sr. is starting to look like a saint compared to his son.

Out of Washington, DC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, a story about discount drug cards for seniors and what a scam the whole thing is. Too many choices are just overwhelming - so the new new thing is to charge seniors for advice about which discount plan is best. Mel: The AARP has that sewn up.

CIA sought contractors for interrogators. SP: We used to call them 'mercenaries.'
Mel: So we have to go to the private sector to find interrogators.
SP: Ex-cops, man...but why are they "Ex"? Shouldn't they be sitting on a nice fat retirement plan somewhere?

Mel: FCC is really cracking down... but not on Spanish-language broadcasters. Apparently they don't have bilingual staff to monitor polyglot obsecenity.

Bad news for Bush: Not many taxpayers believe they paid less this year due to Bush's tax bills. In fact, 25% believe it's Bush's fault they're paying higher taxes.

10th annual SPAM-carving contest is coming up, May 22 at 2 pm. The password is 'swordfish' but they can't tell you where it is. Bring your own carving utensils, but SPAM will be provided. [here's a compendium of SPAM links; and pics from a different contest.]

*break*

Letter from Mindless Minion Jack to Monsieurs Mel and Smarty Pants (to be said in a French accent).

(by the way, Smarty Jones won the Kentucky Derby.)

He compares and contrasts M&F to Harry Shearer's radio show. M&F make him laugh uproariously, while Shearer's is more an a-ha of sharp insights - not that M&F don't have sharp insights...
SP: Sharp as a bowling ball, as they say. Don't you think?
Mel: My headphones were tangled - I wasn't listening.
SP (reading from letter): I think you should have a larger audience.
Mel: Our audience is wide enough already.

Mel and Smarty Pants like getting real mail at 118 S. Bedford St., Madison, WI 53703.

How is Peg Lautenschlager doing? Better now that she can use that state rickshaw.

Supreme Court splits over long sentence.

Sentencing Project reveals that 10% of all inmates are serving life sentences. (full report in pdf) SP: They don't have that problem in Texas.
Mel: Or, as the Pres said - quoted in a George Will column - "Please don't kill me," as he mocked Karla Faye Tucker, a woman on death row.

Greenfield alderman defends mannequin with lawsuit.

Pietrowski added the mannequin to his City Hall office decor in August 2003, dressing it in a baggy T-shirt and jeans and accessorizing the handless doll with political buttons. His lawsuit asserts that the mannequin "serves as a social equalizer designed to facilitate communication with persons he invites into his office."

Mel: I think he means it's an icebreaker.

David Duke is out of prison and back on the job. David Duke working for `white civil rights'.
Mel: He got a job in his field. Nice resume.

Study by Richard Thompson out of Plymouth, England shows that microscopic plastic fibers have accumulated in sea sediments.

Rob Krebs, a spokesman for the American Plastics Council, said a lot of the data in Thompson's study "is old, and we'll have to review it."
"The most important thing industry can do about ocean debris is educate each of us about the personal responsibility we have to keep debris from getting into the ocean, no matter what type it is," Krebs said.

*break*

Mel: Do the monkey stories quick, before we lose them.
Story from St. Andrew's, where if it's not Scottish it's crap, finds that "Amid Jungle Cacophony, Hornbills Heed Monkeys' Alarms."
SP shares a demo of what he's picked up from his Learn Monkey language tapes.

Lemurs aren't so dumb.
Mel: They play computer games and eat treats - if they could drink beer, they could get into my old college.

Out of NYC: since Welfare to Work programs got so popular, there hasn't been a significant increase in the number of spots for child care.

Mexican Air Force pilots film UFOs.

And that's it. Stay tuned for Dr. Dave's Menudo Special.

Scouted

Wow, my day's made - the Mel & Floyd "archive" has been cited on the Internet Scout weblog, which is read by scads of librarians and other metadata-types:

Here you go all you librarian-nerds. This library science grad student took her seminar assignment to a previously unheard of level. Each week, Nichole transcribes the decidedly random, odd, and goofy ramblings of a local talkshow called Mel and Floyd. The show is aired on the community radio station -- W.O.R.T. The only problem with the transcript is that you don't get the effect of Mel and Floyd's trademark giggling. Thus, add those as needed. Enjoy.

It helps if you throw on James Brown's Greatest Hits too.

(Thus ends my self-indulgent meta-meta-meta-commentary.)

Apr. 30: Mel & Mr. Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Oh yeah, and I'll have to miss the show next week, it being the day-after-the-last-day-of-grad-school and all.

---

Last week's non-traditional James Brown CD had the Mindless Minions wandering around in a daze, putting rocks in their pockets and walking into the lake.
SP: That's how Virginia Woolf died, you know. She wanted to play her James Brown CD and Leonard had hid it somewhere. Next thing you know she's walking in the river. They don't tell you that in the Hours.

SP read a story about Iraq that got him all worried. Give back our howitzers, U.S. army tells ski resorts.

RENO, NEV.—The U.S. military is demanding the return of five howitzers that two Sierra Nevada ski resorts use to prevent avalanches, saying it needs the big guns for the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Re: last week's story about selling land on the moon: someone called WORT and said Dennis Hope was his roommate 25 years ago, when he ran a Pizza Hut in the Quad Cities.
Mel: Well, pizza is kind of like the moon...
The message-taker wrote "for what it's worth" in parentheses after the text of the message - not that M&SP don't believe their listeners...

From Capt. Daniel, a package for "My Esteemed Dandies" (SP: I kind of thought of us as toffs rather than dandies) containing a sample of "easily applicable visual expression" - the famous picture of Bush and a chimp.
Mel: I think there's a web site called Smirking Chimp.

Flying saucer theories abound in Iran.

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Is Iran about to be invaded by little green men or are the Americans racing through the night sky in spaceships to spy on the Islamic Republic?

Some rich crazy person (probably from Coors) has donated land for Reagan University.

Officials plan to allow only students who have an SAT score of 1,400 or above. A perfect SAT score is 1,600.
"We're going for the creme de la creme," Walker said.

[but Nancy nixed it.]
What's this weird faction that wants to name everything after Reagan?

Colorado group calls on Peter Coors to apologize for spokeswoman's Kerry comment.

DENVER (AP) -- Minority groups called on Republican Senate candidate Peter Coors to apologize Wednesday after a spokeswoman said it would be worse to be compared to Sen. John Kerry than to a convicted killer.

'Nightline' special puts face on dead

In a special 40-minute edition of "Nightline" beginning at 11:35 p.m. on WRTV , Koppel will devote the entire show to reading the names of the more than 700 American military people killed in Iraq. As Koppel reads, photos of the dead will appear onscreen, along with captions listing their ages and hometowns.

So what does Christianity mean anymore? It's like "our team" - a professional sports team that moves towns, changes owners, gets a different lineup - but still calls itself by the old name.

Lautenberg Brands Cheney 'Lead Chickenhawk'.

"We know who the chickenhawks are," the New Jersey senator said on the Senate floor. "They talk tough on national defense and military issues and cast aspersions on others, but when it was their turn to serve, they were AWOL from courage."

New WORT market research: 38% of Mel and Floyd listeners tune in on old tube radios, 40% on crystal sets they made themselves, and the rest pick it up on their fillings.

*break*

SP: If they're gonna have a dictatorship, why can't I be the dictator? That's all I ask.
Having a Gang of Four would be pretty neat. A Gang of Five would get you sheepshead and you could break ties.

Study: Telephone poll participation down.

WASHINGTON (AP) — More Americans are refusing to participate in telephone polls these days, but carefully conducted surveys still can get accurate samples of public opinion —

Mel & SP in chorus: according to a new poll.
Mel used to do polls as a part-time job (so now he's branched into radio -"Why do it retail when you can do it wholesale?"). Seniors were always happy as heck to share their opinions.
He once overheard a coworker, trying to get an answer out of an indecisive subject, say, "Well, most people are saying 'C'."
SP: ever get tempted to fill them in yourself? "I have a degree in English! I can imagine what it's like to be a single mother of three children."

Bush campaign welcomes new fundraisers.

Kerry needs to take a page from McGovern's playbook and tell someone to kiss his *ss.
Mel: I can't say that word cuz the FCC will shut us down.
Message to Kerry: Cut out the "I didn't inhale" crap and be honest - you're not making any friends waffling.

From ScientificAmerican.com: an article by Michael Schermer (sp?) about the fallacies of self-assessment.
Examples: Only 1% of high-school seniors rate themselves below average on "getting along with people." 60% put themselves in the top 10%.

In response to the question, "Who is most likely to go to heaven?"
Clinton: 52%
Princess Di: 60%
Michael Jordan: 65%
Mother Theresa: 79%. SP: What did the other 21% say, she was going straight to hell?
Mel: She makes it up on the t-shirts.
87% thought they would themselves go.

*break*

No-carb-eating-couple booted from buffet.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (AP) -- A couple on a low-carb diet were kicked out of a buffet restaurant after the manager said they'd eaten too much roast beef.

Mel: This might end up on the Supreme Court.

Sui Amaama, who along with his wife have been on the Atkins Diet for two weeks, was asked to leave after he went up to the buffet at the Chuck-A-Rama in suburban Taylorsville for his 12th slice of roast beef.

12 slices! You're not gonna lose weight like that.

Louisiana may ban low-slung pants.
SP: There goes half my students.
Mel: They're calling this the ban on crack.

"I'm sick of seeing it," said Shepherd, a first-term legislator.

SP: Well, focus your eyes somewhere else! Why is he looking at their midriffs anyway?

The bill would punish anyone caught wearing low-riding pants with a fine of as much as $500 or as many as six months in jail, or both.

SP: Those low slung pants are popular in jails.

Waverly, WI: Rocks in Waverly might signal long-ago meteor.

Revamped Iraqi flag unveiled.

Iraqi leaders presented a new national flag Wednesday after protests that a version unveiled earlier this week resembled the flag of Israel.

Mel: Just another one of those little things we did right over there.

Premier Radio Networks reveals the "next Paul Harvey": Donald Trump.

Starting June 15, "Trumped!" is slated to air during morning drive on stations across the country. No word yet on an outlet in Chicago, where Clear Channel owns seven stations.

Mel: Plus he's engaged again.

Boys charged with making sausage bomb

Fort Myers, FL, Apr. 27 (UPI) -- Two teens face charges of making a bomb out of a bottle of homemade napalm wrapped in kielbasa sausage, the Fort Myers News-Press reported Tuesday.
Lee County sheriff's spokeswoman Ileana LiMarzi said, "Everybody laughs when they call me about this," but she said bomb squad members weren't laughing when they had to disarm it.

Oh no, weiner bombs!

[and that's it.]

Apr. 23: Mel & Mr. Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Don't forget to go to the WORT Bowl-a-Thon tonight, 5-11pm, at Village Lanes in scenic Monona.

---

Different James Brown CD today - hearing the same thing every week gives the minions a false sense of security to fend off the forces of darkness. (Just like the Catholic Church?)

SP was away last week and says Lawrence U. is beautiful, but Appleton is boring.

Something exciting: Over the years, as many minions know, Mel and SP have accumulated a vast collection of potted meats. The collection is on loan to Mifflin St. Co-op at the corner of Mifflin and Bassett - check it out, see the meat and buy some tofu.

Church groups slam Clean Air Act. There used to be a fine activist Christian tradition in this country, until about twenty years ago... In Tim LeHaye's new book, these guys'll be writhing in agony on Judgement Day. Worms coming out of their eyeballs.

Meanwhile in Canada, mounties spend thousands on horses - kind of like Peg Lautenschlager with the car. Only if you get drunk on a horse he'll take you home. Horsegate! Man, those Canadians have their problems. Wish we had theirs instead.

Alert listener T. Walker sent in some James Brown news:

James Brown's wife has dissolved her marriage from her first husband so Brown can annul his marriage with her and then marry her again.

Here's the killer: they decided that once they get the annulment, they'll remarry.

Alert listener S. Hageman sent in letters from people who own parts of the moon that they've bought from the Lunar Embassy. See, this guy Dennis Hope has claimed that he owns the moon, and has been selling one-acre lots for $1999.
Swampland in Florida is one thing...

Nichole [hi guys], the M&F "official scribe," corroborates M&F stories with nifty links. SP says he read that Mel met Nichole at the library, and Mel said: "She was very nice - didn't seem crazy at all."
(Hope he's not just saying that...)

If you're listening on AM, stop it - you're violating all kinds of FCC laws. The regular engineer, Alan/Allen, is taking some time off to find himself.

*break*

The President is not a micromanager. A list of things Bush has said since 1997 (ostensibly from Harper's magazine).

Here's what gets SP's goat about recent media interviews with Kerry: here's a President who speaks fluent French...
Mel: He's not a president.
SP: I mean, a possible president.
Mel: Don't confuse the real President, he can barely speak English.
SP: Anyway, he's bilingual - you'd think that would be a point of pride for international relations. He used to answer reporters' questions in French, but stopped when he was criticized for doing so.

[conversation about Bush's military record compared to Kerry's]

SP: Let's talk about Bobby Short. I'm getting all worked up.
Bobby Short Ending His Run at the Carlyle.

Are toddlers who cannot sleep at higher risk of becoming teens who smoke, drink or do drugs?

SP is giving Mel the stink-eye over the different James Brown disc.

The exposure of Janet Jackson's breast at the Superbowl seems to have divided time into "Before Breast" and "After Breast." Broadcasters Fight Back Against Profanity Ruling.
Mel: I don't think I'll ever laugh again.

*break*

Last time SP went to fill up his car, he forgot where the gas cap was. He gave up and decided his bleached skeleton would be found weeks later - as he threw himself down in despair, he finally saw the gas cap right in front of him.

Beluga caviar imports ban to take effect.

How to build morale: call all your male employees "Charlie" and all your female employees "Cookie." Mel has a boss that mistakenly called him Kevin until Mel's last day on the job.

Top Ten Awards: paper certificates you can make to boost staff morale.
SP: If you really want to impress your employees, make paper crowns for 'em.
Can you pick out the "real" certificates?

1. Caught being good award


2. I love to learn award


3. I love to kiss ass award


4. Will wash my car award


5. Participation award (Mel's favorite)


6. Occupies space and time award


7. Great coach award


8. Incredible growth award (you know you can get medical treatment for that)


9. Good friend award


10. Awesome achivevement award

SP: Just pay them some screwing cash, jeez!

Now, Mel's own list:

1. Least offensive personal hygiene award


2. Eats fewer than 5 donuts a day award


3. Drones on and on in meetings until everyone else in the room wants to poke their eardrums out award


4. Procrasintor deluxe award


5. Least time spent on pr0n sites award


6. Haven't shot/stabbed coworker in more than a month award


7. Most creative use of a state car award (the Lautie)


8. Most consecutive days wearing tan dockers award (Mel and SP admit they could both win this one)


9. Longest streak of using the joke, "Working hard, or hardly working?" award


10. Least office supplies stolen (net weight) award

Iowa man invents lined diaper for dogs

Woman accused of making anitfreeze drink

OMAHA, Neb. - A bench trial is under way for an Omaha woman accused of spiking a margarita with antifreeze, then serving it to her former sister-in-law.
"Admittedly, it was a half-baked idea," [her attorney] said. "But the intent was to make her sick, not to kill her."

[And that's all I got.]

Apr. 16: Mel & Floyd

I had the pleasure of briefly meeting Mel this week - he's a very gracious guy to let near-strangers interrupt him in public. Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

---

SP is out this week, and Floyd is here to fill his drawers. "It's amazing he can fit that large intellect into those tiny jeans."

Floyd: He's out selling that door-to-door philosophy.
Mel: "I have some Kant here..."
Floyd: "No, I Kant."

Floyd was recently on a nice little island in Mexico. The interesting thing was that no one spoke a lick of Spanish.
Mel: They must not be as educated as us here. Did you try speaking louder? You know, they don't have the No Child Left Behind act either.
Floyd: It's amazing - they immediately lapse into English whenever you say anything.
Mel: "Here, have your margarita. Don't bother me for another hour."

Mel is pushing Esperanto to get us closer to the End Times.

Other than that he's fine.

Floyd got a letter from the Republican National Convention asking his critical opinion on Republican issues (probably because of his high income or all those guns he owns).

Floyd: I'm the only one even close in my voting district.
Mel: You're not close. You probably have a "g" in your name somewhere.

And now for some sample census questions on the RNC-2004 Document.

Floyd: "Questionnaire" looks like a French word. Why didn't they take that out?
Mel: Is there only one choice for each question? I wouldn't be surprised.

1. Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans? Yes or no.
2. Do you support the use of air strikes against any country that offers aid or safe harbor to any country that helps terrorists? "Strikes - that's a labor issue, right? so NO!"
3. Do you continue to support the increasing of security at all airports, train stations, etc.? "If we could go faster we could get away from the terrorists. so NO!"
4. Should the inheritance or death tax be permanently repealed? "Write that in: Repeal Death."
5. Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies? "I had that growth removed. so NO!"
6. Should small businesses be encouraged to grow and hire more workers? "They shouldn't be growing workers. So, no."
7. Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents? "I don't think our schools should be accountable to anyone. I'll put 'undecided'." Mel: "Just to show you're open-minded."
8. Should students, teachers, and principals be held to higher standards? "Relative to what? Those guys that check your bags at the airport?"
9. Do you agree that teaching our children to read should be a national priority? "They might get some ideas then, so no."
10. Do you support President Bush's initiative to allow religious and charitable groups to help those in need? "No, they should help themselves. Up by the toe-straps. So, no."
11. Do you support the new law that bans partial birth abortion? "What's this 'partial' stuff? You have to take a stand on issues. So, no."
12. Do you support President Bush's effort to increase Social Security and Medical benefits? "No, that's socialism. Socialism!"
13. Do you think US troops should have to serve under UN officials? "I think they should be tops. Our boys are tops."
14. Do you support President Bush's plan to increase military spending to serve our defense needs? "It's not really defense spending, is it? It's offense spending. Besides, they're not spending it, they're borrowing it. So, no."
15. Should we build Reagan's SDI shield? "Of course, to protect Reagan from the mind-bending rays. So, yes. That's cutting edge science."
16. Do you support the election of Republican candidates to offices all over the country? "It's a lot easier to decide if there's just one party."

Finally, they ask if you want to become a member of the RNC by making a generous contribution. If not at this time, maybe you'll "enclose $11 to assist in the processing of this survey."
Floyd: Wait, there's another option on the back here: "No, I favor electing liberal Democrats over the next 10 years." There we go.

Mel: So you'll send that back in and they'll send someone over to round you up.

Mel gives "Lost in Translation" a thumbs up because of the chimpanzee cameo.
Floyd: They just aren't making any good monkey movies anymore.

*break*

Lindows changes name of its operating system. To Bindows, actually. Floyd: I'm amazed that they didn't stand up and fight on that one.

Nebraska state senator forgets his own idea to dress up in patriotic scarves and ties.

Bush is stumped on questions of mistakes. Floyd: So what he's saying is, "This is the best I can do. Four more years!"

Michigan man wants to break the world's record for a fall from an existing structure.
Mel: I thought Gus Grissom had done that.

Circus folks stole Mel's dad's outboard motor. Mel's backyard abutted a field where the circus set up, so for a few weeks there were elephants in Mel's backyard. Carnies would trade Mel matches for ride tickets.
Floyd: That explains a lot.

Daylight Savings Time debate in Indiana goes on.

Candidate's cross-dressing adds to GOP race in Texas.

Bushes, Cheneys benefit from tax cuts. Surprised?

Hubble photos show newly found planetoid: Sedna, a moonless planetoid, and what it would be like if it took out a personal ad: "Lonely planetoid seeks moon. Objective: orbit. I would enjoy the sunset, except it never goes down." Sedna might have had a moon, but it left in a huff because Sedna kept leaving the toilet seat up.

Sounds like a Toyota model [Sedna sedan?]

*break*

Saturday there's a same sex marriage rally starting at library mall, then heading out to Sun Prairie, then Milwaukee, and right into the lake. Wait, not that last part. [sorry, couldn't find a link for that event.]

Wisconsin patrolman eats 9.5 donuts and wins big.

Floyd forgot Mel's birthday this week too.
Floyd: I had it down to two days. That's better than I do with my own kids.

Mel: We need to read the monkey news now or we don't get the faith-based monkey grant. No monkey left behind. Operation monkey freedom.

Dunlap, Indiana woman fights to keep her monkeys against officials who ask her to get a kennel permit. "What she needs to do to convince them is put the monkeys in a barrel." "Aw, cute!"

There are two houses next to Mel's up for sale. That seems to happen every six months or so. Rumor is the new TV anchor for chanel 27 wil be moving in. We're not zoned for media icons - Mel will have to takeit to the board.

With that, Floyd rings the bell one last time and that's it.

Mel & Floyd's greatest hits 2

No notes today - I'm taking Good Friday off.

But while you're here, check out J.R.'s idea about the possibility of a M&F/Air America Radio collaboration. Got more ideas? Shout them out!

Bonus: here's the roundup of the Google and Yahoo searches that brought people to the Mel & Floyd "archive" in the last three months. (Want more?) They are reproduced here verbatim.

dog slapping cat clip art
www.irs.gov-small business plan sole-proprietor massage
bush "actual photos" "anti-bush"
smarty pants clothes store
"victoria's secret logo"
close-up photos of condoleeza rice
"montgomery burns" simpsons norwegian
john menard cigar
INFAVOR GAY MARRIAGE
a & a express towing, albert lea
horse leg injusries
how to make a maid rite
black Cat Tatoo "Madison Wisconsin
y singaporeans want to migrate?
"New England Mint" Bush Laden
felly's bag
tommy thompson outlaw nicotine
free naked nichole richie
BUSH SUPERMAN CHENEY BRAINIAC
annoying singing coworker gets hit
Climax, MN T-Shirts
"john menard" + "right wing"
Mel's Livestock in Wisconsin
photo pillsbury alan johnson dirt race car driver
1965 sidestep pickup truck rare
skunk scent to deter prostitutes
mel and floyd npr
parrot tattoo example
maryanne gilligans island pictures nude
lyric drug fridley
"Lennox CHina" and "Cats"
barney fif caught hussein
"cow brains" size picture weight
celebrities wearing crucifixes
nichole is a wiener
pictures of male christian salvation army cheat
taft detention center graveyard TN
deland prostitutes mugshots
simpsons ned cusses
jackass "woman bites"
nutritional information on tyson tequila lime wings
sputum bowl texas
french bread italians pasta carbs comics
armor deville gun storage
copps store madison +birth control pills

update 5/28: here are some recent good ones.
PDF of female with cuban cigar smoking tattoo
international sidestep pickup
pictures mokey wearing fez hat
floyd the bubble yum duck
nude pictures of women wearing crucifixes
singaporeans casino debate problems
pants storage
surreal sextant photo
people infavor of abortion
"statues of presidents"
isla de mujeres marijuana
fattest "sea lion"

and, 6/24: enough with you fat and greasy citizens looking for dirty pictures of the sidekick from "The Simple Life." There's nothing for you here. Begone, and spell Ms. Richie's name right from now on. Jeebus.

Apr. 2: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Mel and Floyd need help (ahem): About six months ago, Rush Limbaugh featured a clip of a song by a gay musician on his show, and a M&F fan wrote in to ask if they could identify the song. Minions, any ideas? Let Mel and Floyd know. Details below.

update 4/8: I emailed the "Customer Care" folks at the Rush Limbaugh show about their $7/month "RUSH 24/7" club, but it looks like even buying access won't help find the answer:

Received: 4/2/2004 11:54 AM
To: memberservice@rushlimbaugh.com
Subject: RE: Audio archives question
Could you please let me know how far back the audio archives go for 24/7 members?
Thanks.

And they wrote me back:

The Rush 24/7 archives extend back for the past 4 weeks.
Thank you for your inquiry.
Jeff R
Premiere Radio Networks Customer Care

I s'pose I could have just asked them if they recall the song itself... Jack, if you're reading, you could maybe try that approach. Easier than finding a fan of both Rush and M&F who might happen to know, and certainly better than giving Limbaugh any money.

---

SP is doing as well as he can while he contemplates the horror of existence.

Speaking of the sun burning out...SP's addiction to comic books - "in it up to my nose" - led him to go to MPLS/St. Paul in the Prius ("Batmobile") and laid out $200.
Mel: How many books you get for that?
SP: 2.

Batman never took on WWII, though Superman did. Superman is the more fantastic character, but his stories are more realistic. Batman's more of a normal guy in a weird, surreal setting. Giant typewriters and stuff like that.

Slam Bradley, PI, is another favorite - he has a little nebbischy sidekick named Bingo or Ouchie or something.

SP: There's a lot of boys in these books.
Mel: Congress noticed that.

Captain Marvel, Jr.'s magic phrase was not "Shazaam!" (like CM Sr.) but simply "Captain Marvel!" This book, also from 1945, doesn't mention the war. But when comics did get into current events, they were always terribly racist - big teeth and weird glasses on Japanese characters, etc.

Schwarzenegger took a sex harassment class. SP: He had to learn how to do it?

An alert listener pointed out that some monkeys do indeed get drunk. Contrary to what Science News said last week, a Discovery Channel documentary claims that, at a hotel in Africa, monkeys steal unattended drinks until they pass out, then they lay around in an alcoholic haze.

Letters from listeners:
Jenny Morgan from Milwaukee writes: While passing through Madison last week she heard Mel and Floyd. In big letters: "What a freakin' stitch these guys are!" She loved every minute of the show and wished the stuffed shirts in Milwaukee public radio would loosen up. SP: We're not public radio, but thanks.

Response to a citizen's email to the Illinois governor's office:
"Should a response be required, it will be important for you to enclose your postal address." It goes on: If you need to send your address to us via another email, please attach the original email. No requests sent by email will be replied to by email, but by postal mail.
Mel: You could paralyze the whole state of Illinois in a feedback loop.

Another weird SP fact: he used to send letters to heads of state to get the neat letterhead. Then he got on the mailing lists for commemorative plates, stamps, etc.

SP has letters from the Queen of England's 25th and 50th jubilees. They were very nice.

One official wrote back: "Thank you for doing whatever it is you do."

The Governor General (GG) of Canada once sent him a huge packet about what s/he does. It's kind of a do-nothing office.

Purebred dogs resemble owners. SP (as stoner): "Dude, those dogs look like people. I think there's a story in this." I'm not much for purebreds, but I do like terriers - what does that say about me?

Another letter! How do you write to Mel and Floyd? Email the governor of Illinois. Or, write to 118 S. Bedford St., Madison, WI 53703.

Jack writes [I paraphrase]: Probably six months ago, Rush Limbaugh featured a clip of a song by a gay musician. It was not a tribute as you might well guess. However, it must have been one of the better moments on the show. I want to hear that song again, but I don't know the name of the musician or the song (a remake of a 60's tune). I can just about hear the words in my mind's eye (or ear).

SP: I feel the way the librarians at Madison Public Library must feel: "I read this one book once..."

Minions, any ideas? Let Mel and Floyd know. [at first glance, if you don't mind paying $7/month to Rush Limbaugh, you can listen to his audio archives. Not yet found out how far back they go.]

Take your son or daughter to work day (aka "Scared Straight") is coming up. Mel: "These are cubicles. I went to a state school. I didn't study very hard."

*break*

SP: did you fall for any April Fools jokes? Poor Peg Lautenschlager gets written up at onmilwaukee.com. SP: Sure, it's an easy shot. But my theory is "Pick the carcass clean."

Those wacky fundamentalist writers....
SP: Let's just send them all to an end times theme park in Iran and let them duke it out.
Mel: The scary thing is, these guys are so matter-of-fact and sure about every detail of the end of the world.

SP: Let's talk about Mrs. Wisconsin. The reigning Mrs. WI is available ... to speak - maybe WORT should put her on the next pledge drive.
SP: She doesn't wear that crown all the time, you know.
Mel: Just in bed.

They're doing a remake of "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" without Danny Kaye.

SP's on a total 1940's kick ("Like an oil slick across my consciousness."). Mel doesn't like the 40's as much. "What's wrong with them? We went right from a war to McCarthyism."

*break*

Mel would like to inject some facts into the radio show for once: Long ago, Colin Powell was discussing his priorities as the nation's new Secretary of State. Guess where al Quaeda was on that list? It wasn't.

Record-setting Bush fundraising drive nears climax.

"They've got so much money that they're not really sure what to do with it. It's going to buy a lot of television ads. But there are only so many television ads to buy," said Craig Aaron, a senior researcher at Public Citizen.

SP: Maybe they'll choke on it.

Man allegedly tries to buy vote with beer.

Republican Senate candidate in Illinois asks Democrats to stop questioning his divorce. He was married to Seven of Nine of Star Trek: Voyager fame.

Now, call Dr. Dave and ask him what song Rush Limbaugh was playing that day.

Mar. 26: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

---

SP's approach to society and disaster avoidance: worry about everything. He's like the anti-Alfred E. Neumann: "Me? Worry."

Bush is all over the news with the 9.11 investigation. The "Bushies" can't admit that Bush has ever done anything wrong, since he's the Perfect Leader - he'd implode. Classic narcissistic personality - lack of confidence in his real abilities leads to his supporters refusing to admit he ever does wrong.

When Clinton did something, it was always "wagging the dog;" if Bush does something, it's politics.

But it is nice to hear some politicians talking about things that have happened in the past. The talks point out the split in government over the Clinton administration.

Remember how Condoleeza Rice had an oil tanker named after her?

Made in Burma jacket stirs flap. Floyd sent in this clipping - he's vacationing in Mexico.
SP: What's he doing, scoring pot?
Mel: Prescription drugs. He's relaxing on an island somewhere.
SP: And that's different from when he's at his state job because ... he's on an island.
SP: Made in Burma = excellence.
Mel: Those children with the tiny little hands do good work.

Controversial Abercrombie and Fitch shirt annoys West Virginians. Speaking of that, SP says a guy he knew in school (back in Bugtussle, Kentucky) confessed to him that he was having sex with his own sister. It's not so much the people, but the sparse population.
SP: "It's either her or Grandma."
Mel: "Or the cow."

Dispatcher can't get unemployment benefits after being fired for wearing a tongue stud.

Top ten questions received by Isla Mujeres tourism department. Stuff like: #7. Are there beds in the hotel rooms?
SP: Is "Is our children learning?" on there?

The Tricorn Centre, a "mildewed lump of elephant droppings," according to Prince Charles, is scheduled to be demolished.
SP: He originally said that about Princess Diana, you know.

Iraq on the Record: a database of the Bush administration's statements about Iraq.
SP: Hasn't the Minstry of Truth taken that down by now?

Fanta Orange: proud new sponsor of Mel and Floyd. Now with extra benzene.

*break*

Couple Arrested After 'Passion' Debate.
SP: Chill out, people - you could argue religion forever.
Mel: Until you get out the scissors.
SP: Where are they, Talibama?

Michael Jackson wanted to play a car in Kevin Smith's movie, Hot Rod. Well, there used to be that "My Mother The Car" show...

Richard Simmons cited for slapping man in airport.

"He apparently said, 'Hey everybody, it's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s,'" said Sgt. Lauri Williams in a reference to Simmons' well-known series of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" exercise videos. "Mr. Simmons took offense and said he had to 'bitch slap' him."

Going urban: for the first time, most of the world's population will live in urban areas. It just depends on how you define the borders.

Woman says "I Don't" at NBA game. She sprinted right out of the stadium when her boyfriend proposed on the Jumbotron. SP: If you say yes to a proposal on a Jumbotron, you're in for it.

The "Stad Amsterdam," a clipper ship, caused a stir when it sailed into Jacksonville, Florida. It's got a figure of a red-haired woman in a green dress with one breast bared.
Mel: What's the big deal, breasts are all over advertising.
SP: That's for selling stuff. Breast for no reason is disorienting. Slap a Victoria's Secret logo on there and you're fine.

Deep-fried chocolate sandwich sells like hotcakes. Mel: I'm just hurt that Wisconsin didn't invent this. Cheese isn't bad enough.

*break*

Cheerleader's mom sent to anger management classes. Mel: Parental involvement is the scourge of public education.

Arms-Control Group Says U.S. Inflated Libya's Nuclear Bid.

Wedding ring offered for hit. A woman said she'd give her wedding ring to have her husband killed.
SP: Can't she just put something in his food? Why not be proactive?

The top box office hit last week was that zombie movie. If one coming back from the dead is good, hundreds must be great. SP on Passion of the Christ: Read the book!

And that's it.

Mar. 19: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Public service announcements:
Saturday, 3/20/04, 12 noon: free public forum and rally at the Orpheum.
Tuesday, 3/23/04,  "Gaza Strip," a documentary, will be presented at the Wil-Mar community center by the Madison Area Peace Coalition .

---

[Hm ... technical difficulties ... I hope this doesn't last, cuz I gots to go to jail right after the show ... ]

[1:07pm: Ah, better.]

Mel almost introduced SP as the bastard child of Jennifer and Ted Stanley, major contributors to NPR. [I had to link to that 'donar list' on NPR Hates America. Couldn't resist.]

SP: Actually, I was conceived out of wedlock, so I'm only a little bit of a bastard. I foud out later my mom got pregnant to force her parents to let her get married.

SP is a little peaked after taking Sudafed, a weird combination of alert and woozy.

Being a Celt (a Welshman, specifically) himself, SP can say this: while the Irish are noisy drinkers, the Welsh are quiet, vindictive, surly, drunks. Why is St. David's Day not a big drinking holiday? Daffodils are named after him. He only drank water.

Letter from minions: SP mentioned that he was impressed by the urinals at the Amsterdam airport in Schiphol.  The minions sent SP a close-up picture of the fly in the sweet-spot.
[Updated 3/23 with the actual photos]


As they took a close-up shot, the auto-flush went off.



Some confusion about what exactly happened with Marcel the monkey in Friends. Anybody want to clarify?

Ah, our environmental president.

[Missed a minute or two - arg, people. I don't care enough about a lack of Kleenex to be engaged in a conversation about it. Especially during Mel & Floyd.]
[Update 3/23: A more alert listener (thanks, Mark!) sent me the story they riffed on: "Administration Failing to Meet Bird-Bombing Deadline," with the notable quote:

The Pentagon, led by attorney William Haynes II, argued in a legal brief that conservationists actually benefit from the military's killing of birds because it helps make some species more rare -- and "bird watchers get more enjoyment spotting a rare bird than they do spotting a common one."

Post office nixes personalized stamps. Thank God. Personalized stamps are popular in Canada - "Hey, could you pack me up some prescription drugs, maybe some medical marijuana, a gay marriage, some of them personalized stamps, and a pint of liquor while you're at it..." Get all your human needs met just across the border.

All out of monkey news, but SP has a paintball story. [Here's monkey news for y'all.]

*break*

Public service announcements:
Saturday, 3/20/04, 12 noon: free public forum and rally at the Orpheum.
Tuesday, 3/23/04,  "Gaza Strip," a documentary, will be presented at the Wil-Mar community center by the Madison Area Peace Coalition .

President Bush says: "God loves you and I love you ... "

There's no Melvina in the studio this week. For dinner the other day, Mel served the kids peanut butter sandwiches and candy corn (it counts as a vegetable).

Via commongood.org [?]: "The presidential prayer team wants your help": in defense of biblical marriage ...

If marriage really is a religious issue, then it seems that, legally, people have a right to follow their own religious beliefs (or lack thereof) about it. Right?

Church nixes Good Friday hot dogs. Opening day falls on Good Friday, a no-meat day in Lent. Mel: That's assuming there's meat in the hot dogs.

"We're already getting all kinds of requests for dispensation to eat meat," said the Rev. Christopher J. Coyne.

*break*

Alert listener sends in this story: Indiana man reaches for ball of paint record. And, a picture of a core sample extraction.

French artist identified as "Pierre" runs over bin Laden look-alike.

''If it was [bin Laden], we would have won $5 million,'' Mendel said, referring to a reward.

That's Pierre's lawyer talking - when there's money involved, it's all "we."

New study says all but 6% of the defecit can be attributed to rising government spending on defense, and tax cuts.

Sea lion grabs man off boat. SP: Do you think the sea lion wants to marry him? Mel: Well, they're called sea lions, not sea lambs. I think we're ticking off the animal kingdom, because every week there's a story like this.

Arabetics, an effort to make Arabic easier, may help with second language acquisition.

California officials nearly fall for water hoax. "Well, it was on the internet!"

And that's it.

Mar. 12: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Community Service Message: it's time once again for the Barrymore Flea Market. New this year: Strolling pickpockets. Sunday, March 14, 10-4, FREE FREE FREE admission, at the Barrymore.

---

Last week was a "Best Of" show, since they hate to let the old shows rot away in the vault on their silver acetate and wax cylinders. Mel had to go to Melvina's school for a conference - "Your kid sets off the sprinklers one or two times..."

SP was looking at this blog again, and found it funny that I thought I was going to get a break last week. Mel: "It's like the seven labors of Hercules every week." And, "Don't make enemies of those librarians." [damn straight.]

If you Google "Mel and Floyd," you know what else comes up? A gay travel agency. [guidemag.com - down at the monent?] SP: "Well, that's appropriate."

Get well wishes to John Ashcroft. They had to remove his gallbladder. SP: "It's because he's so bilious." Mel: "From chewing up the Constitution."
SP: "When he was under, Newt Gingrich snuck in and divorced him - just out of habit, I guess."

"Jews killed the Lord Jesus": Pastor who posted the sign resigns.

Kerry's well-publicized mess-up in front of a live mike. SP (as the GOP): "Take that back - we're only the second most crooked."

Dumb criminal news: Alice R. Pike tried to shop with $1 million bills.

Minnesota State Dept. of Education accidentally inflated standardized test scores.

Melvina's in the studio today for the first time in years - they're grooming her to take over, just like the Presidency.

Last week's "classique" episode scared some folks when it referred to "next week's pledge drive."

Robotic legs could produce "super troops": "These boots are made for marching." This'll look like "The Wrong Trousers."

Cigarette smoking and alcohol abuse up among the military.

AP correction: They misspelled the name of a web site for kids' research: it's factmonster, not factsmonster [probably nsfw].

Dads gain weight after babies are born.

Man who claimed to be 114 dies at 92.

Parents who describe their kids as picky eaters are usually not paying attention. SP's sister once stuck a hamburger into the family piano - by the time it was discovered, it was green and fuzzy. Another time she poured her cereal down the cold air register, which smelled pretty bad.

*break*

SP caught singing to Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's World. Mel: "I'll unplug your mike."

Little artifact came through the mail: the entire bottom third of an envelope got shredded at the PO. The PO put it in a plastic body bag, and the best part is the explanatory note with the headline: "We Care." SP: "But not enough to not rip up your doodad." Reading the apology from the PO, Melvina giggles in the background.

Mel: "You know what's annoying about the post office?"
SP: "Nothing, nothing's annoying about the post office. It's the best example of big goverment."
But really, it sucks that you can't call your local PO. The number in the book is some centralized 800 number, which takes 40 minutes to complete a task.

Pete Rose will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Mel: "Why WWE? The Rock wrestled the panda and the panda won."

Treatment for infected dog bites runs into the tens of thousands of dollars each year. Mel and Floyd Tip of the Week: Don't wait until it's an infested pustule to go to the doctor.

SP enjoyed a web site [sorry, couldn't find a good link] that showed that the US has the highest proportion of evangelical Christians - but we also have one of the highest rates of STD transmission. SP: "Get out of the pool, kids."

Community Service Message: it's time once again for the Barrymore Flea Market. New this year: Strolling pickpockets. Last time SP went, he snapped up a black-and-white photo from WWII with Norwegian notes on the back. Details: Sunday, March 14, 10-4, Free admission, at the Barrymore.

Moscow zoo to have TV sets in cages.

Man forbidden to keep monkeys in NYC. Mel: "They had one on Friends - I'd bring that up in court."

*break*

"Kindly Uncle Trotsky's Vintage Stereo Repair" shop renamed; now "Cranky Uncle Trotsky's Vintage Stereo Repair." You get 10% off if you badmouth Bush or the war. [JSonline link, sub]

...the war in Iraq started to really get under Larsen's skin. Kindly Uncle Trotsky became Cranky Uncle Trotsky, which Larsen felt more genuinely reflected his new persona. The repair shop's motto followed the tone: "Don't bring me any of that modern crap!"
A woman recently stopped by Cranky Uncle Trotsky and dropped off a broken radio. After coupling "Bush" with "(expletive)," she confessed that, truth be told, she planned to vote to re-elect the president. Cranky Uncle Trotsky shrugged; he wasn't going to let politics get in the way of business.

Bush has 10x the cash that the Dems do - maybe he'll just buy the votes again.

Leading Israeli rabbi recommends hanging bags of pig fat in busses to deter Muslim suicide bombers.

Letter to Dear Abby spoofs Simpsons episode... Abby got taken.

Krispy Kreme's net income has nearly tripled since last year. Mel: Adding nicotine to the fat really paid off. They're looking into selling with Wal Mart - why doesn't Wal Mart just sell crack?

Mel: "Well, we're out of time..."
SP: "Really?!"
Mel: "Listen to the song, it's Hot Pants!"

Dr. Dave has his tinfoil hat on, so he can't take request calls. But if you think them really hard he'll pick up on them.

And that's it.

Oct. 3, 2003: "Classic" Mel & Smarty Pants

This week it's a "classic" Mel and Floyd, originally broadcast on October 3, 2003.

"Oh, a week off, how nice," thinks nichole.

Moments later, after consulting the archives, she discovers that on 10/3/03 she was in Norfolk, VA for a library conference, and missed the original airing of the show.

Foiled!

---

Rush Limbaugh was an NFL talk guy, the ratings went way up, but he insited on sitting in his own booth.

Mr. SP is not feeling so well, but he's saving those little nose gems for the next pledge drive. He's got a productive cough too.

3G mobile signals can cause headaches and nausea. SP to mobile users: "I have a suggestion: why don't you just live in the space that you're in?"

Mel is an advocate of changing all our governmental "Departments" to "Ministries." It' so much more soviet. In Mel's hometown of Owatonna, the local paper was called the Daily People's Press. Typical headline: "New tractor in town."

Maybe that Iraq war wasn't so bad after all: they did get rid of the little Weekly Reader-ish booklets that Iraqi schoolkids used to have to read. Sample dialog: "Come, Hassan, let us chant for the homeland and use our pens to write praise to Saddam."

Iraqi school was heavy on Patriotic Education. In math, kids added 4+28 because April 28 is Saddam's birthday. In gym class, they chanted "Bush, Bush, listen clearly we all love Saddam," while climbing ropes. When a teacher enered the room, they were to shout, "Long live the leader, Saddam Hussein."

Shameless US plugging of supply-side economics for the New Iraq. Mel: "Hurry, my car's on fire! Get rid of the estate tax!"

Paris, TX: High school band played Deutschland Uber Alles and flew a Nazi flag as part of a WWII football halftime show that happened to fall on Rosh Hashanna.

Texas has the highest percentage of the uninsured. Let's follow their lead.

Washington insider's new firm consults on Iraq. Consultants have lots of ties to the Administration, surprise surprise. More from Congressman Bill Delahunt's record:

...there is a story in the New York Times, dated September 30, that says that a Washington insider's new firm consults on contracts in Iraq. A group of businessmen linked by their close ties to President Bush, his family, and his administration, have set up a consulting firm to advise companies that want to do business in Iraq, including those seeking pieces of taxpayer-financed reconstruction projects. The firm, New Bridge Strategies, is headed by Joe Allbaugh, Mr. Bush's campaign manager in 2000, and the director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency until March.

*break*

Mel: "The only TV show worth watching is Blind Date." He signs the praises of the all-star show, when guests return for another round. John Ritter's sitcom topped the ratings after his death, 17 million in one night.

Dean will come to Madison on 10/5/03 as part of the Generation Dean tour. He'll be at the Kohl Center (SP: "the Herb Garden, as I like to call it").

Stumbled across on the Internet: Now, more than ever, Bush needs your support. [more]

Potential Gov. Schwarzenegger gropes some women. [old news]. SP: "I guess if you're a fascist, you can win in the United States. It doesn't matter who you are."

Gorilla escapes Boston Zoo, injures two. [found another reference, but story, originally from CNN, is off the free web now.]

Non-James Brown musical interlude by the late great Warren Zevon's "Gorilla, you're a desperado."

Letter to Mel 'n' Pants asks "What should I wear to church?" re: this article on the Clergy on the Catwalk runway show (or one like it.)

Cardinals report that the Pope is not doing well.

[oh for krapp's tape, the batteries on my walkman just died and I don't have backups. So much for complete Mel & Floyd archives. Sorry folk/s.]

Feb. 27: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Mr. SP rode to the studio today with Peg Lautenschlager. Mel: She's got the word "lager" in her name. The icing on the cake was that she was in a state car. She could learn from Mel and change the plates before going out.

Minions sent in a personalized photo of Laura and George dedicated to "charter members" of the 2004 campaign. The whole "pioneer" wing of the GOP is kind of odd.

SP has started getting email from the Family Values Mafia Family Research Council. Maybe they saw him researching "Delphi process", which they tend not to like.

The ultimate, subtle evidence of anti-Semitism in the Passion: the actor who played Jesus has piercing blue eyes. SP: None of the love or teachings, all the blood and gore.

"Eleventh Hundred Days Quiz" in the New Yorker: Q&A about the first eleven hundred days of this administration.

More pictures from Minions (let's highlight the limitations of the medium): this time, shots of the bronze Presidents in Rapid City, South Dakota. The best part of the whole thing is that these Minions must have just had these snaps lying around the house, waiting for their moment to shine. Nixon looks just like Montgomery Burns tenting his fingers, saying "eeexcellent."

Attention minions: take a tour to Rapid City, SD, and send in a photo of yourself next to the bronze statue of Nixon. Anybody want to put that tour together?

Minnesota Scandinavians make good vice presidents. "Keep it up, dere, you're doin a good job." SP saw a political sign once that said "Germans prefer Mondale." So unassuming.

Secretary apologizes for labeling NEA "terrorists". The problem is everyone in the administration probably believes that, he's just the canary in the coal mine.

Mel makes up a story: Bush administration wants to reclassify fast-food jobs as manufacturing jobs. SP: They keep redefining terms so debate is useless. Mel: Even the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, which is to the right of feudalism, recognizes some of these problems.

SP: You'd make a good vice president.
Mel: I don't like people enough.
SP: That's OK, you'd be working in Washington and you wouldn't see many of them.

*break*

[wow, thanks for leaving Man's Man's etc. on, guys!]

On Ralph Nader running again...
SP knows people are upset about Nader running again, but he says it's not ego that makes Nader run. He's got other arguments to make about electoral politics and money. Pertinent analogy: If both of the parties were firmly against, say, abortion rights, nothing would be odd about a third party movement to express the other side. So what's wrong with Nader trying to start a movement to get corporate cash out of politics? But on the other hand, Nader's votes did take away more votes from Dems than Reps. If Gore had just gotten, say, NH last time, he would have won, and Bush's lead there was only a third of Nader's votes. Mel figures that there's a bigger difference between the two major parties now. Even Kerry is more liberal than Gore, though.

Greenspan urges: Fix Social Security. More cat food for the old folks, there. You wish you could afford cat food - it's horsemeat this time.

SP missed his annual donation to the Shrine Circus. Nobody called him this year.

Survey by the General Accounting Office reveals that new visa process has slowed down foreign scholars and students entering the country. The agency databases don't talk to each other, delaying entry by weeks and weeks. Why does this matter? Cuz American kids take film studies and comm arts, while the international brains drive the science labs.

On gay marriage:
SP read about Bart Howard, the composer of "Fly me to the moon." He died this week at 88, survived by his partner of 58 years. Again, folks, gay marriage could really stimulate the economy... Someone call Alan Greenspan! Even revenue from marriage licenses could give cities a boost. The best part - just like straight marriages, they'll have three or four.

This week's book recommendation: Will Eisner's graphic novels.

*break*

USA Today, every colorful, is vibrating before SP's very eyes. He enjoys the graphics. Someone stuffed a copy in the Mel & Floyd mailbox with no explanation, so here's a guess: Sex and alcohol help arthritis.

Grandson of Milwaukee's own The Crusher is in the state wrestling tournament. SP's family dog was named Fritz von Gorian II after the evil faux-German wrestler of the 1960's. He remembers looking at wresting magazines with his friends, and seeing pictures of a little blond wrestler who'd leap into the air and kick his opponents in the head. Anybody else remember that guy?

And that's all.

Feb. 20: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd.

Plegde drive results: over $101,000! [Waugh. I feel good. Thanks MeFi.]

Mel introduces SP as "half man, half ant, all terror."

SP's perfect Madison bus experience: Sitting on the inside seat on a crowded bus, SP waited for the elderly man sitting on the outside seat to get up. Once he was in the aisle, no one moved to let him out the back door. Old ladies glared at him. The young guy standing in front of the back door started yelling at him: "Hey, hurry up!"
The bus driver peeled out, infuriating the 'doorkeeper,' who said, "Well, if you would've moved faster, that wouldn't've happened. Time is money!"
SP replied, "Do you have a mental problem or something?" Full of compassion.
Moral: The bus is not a Hobbesian state of nature, people, nor is it Lord of the Flies.
Mel on "doorkeeper" character: "It's kind of sad Paul Soglin has nothing better to do with his time."

Mindless minion Kiwi sent in a photo of a bar in New Lisbon called "The Wet Spot."

Justin sent in a link to some Bush-bashing comedy online from radio4all.org. Time of Useful Consciousness is a good show - the title refers to an aeronautical term for the time before the loss of oxygen and passing out.

On the recent election:
Mel went to vote in his town (Origami) and got carded. SP may have to show them his birthmark next time. Mel's pollster looked a bit like Miss Hathaway. He showed her his new Presidential ID for Richard Nixon. She didn't appreciate the humor.

The high voter turnout was heartening to SP. [I have to insert my joke here: whenever some politico says they're counting on a high voter turnout, the only correct reply is "You'd have to be high to vote for that guy."] It was odd that Edwards got so many Republican votes. The Southern accent must have fooled a few people.

Cuban leader ridicules gaffe-prone Bush.

Castro had his audience of 1,400 economists in stitches when he read out some of Bush's more unfortunate statements.

Rapid City, SD, has a 16 bronze statues of Presidents scattered throughout the town.

Climax, MN has trouble with its slogan. [more] Climax is not far from Fertile. SP: "What were they, drunk when they named those towns?" Mel says he once saw a headline that read "Fertile woman dies in Climax."

Speaking of auto deaths, most child fatalities are due to the negligence of parents, not strangers.

*break*

Sunday is Melvina's birthday. 2/22 is a third of 666, SP was quick to point out.
Mel has rodents in his house: a hamster named Columbia and guinea pig (s?) Petunia (and friend?).
SP's grama named her 17 cats after characters in detective stories.
Mel: If you have 17 cats, you don't need to name them.
SP: She called it her experiment.
Mel: Was she married to the German?
SP: Yep.
Mel: That's the man whose work was putting people in centrifuges.
According to SP's grama, the purpose of a cat is to make more cats.

Cash family refuses to allow use of "Ring of Fire" in hemorrhoid ad. Thank God.

Halliburton has stopped billing troops for meals. Oh, they're still keeping track, though. They'll just bill the Pentagon later.

Columbus, OH: Livestock exhibitors disqualified for putting hairpieces on cows. Ohio has a leg up on this kind of thing.
Mel: You know why they did it, right? To paste down the cowlick. What's really sad is that all the other cows know about it and talk behind each others' backs.
SP: When they got out the prosthetic udders ...

Lt. Bush's dental record.
Mel: It was interesting to see how the fangs extend.
SP: You only see that when he and Cheney prowl the streets at night. He's got 9 fillings.
Mel: Maybe that's how he gets his orders from the alien broadcasts.

Howard, WI: Stored bullets explode in man's oven. He explains that he thought they'd be safer there.
Mel: If the darn legistlature had passed the concealed carry bill, we wouldn't have problems like this.
SP: Are you channeling or something?
Mel: I'm shooting for a job on AM radio.

*break*

More on the midwest beat.
Ames, IA: Flasher with Nixon mask interrupts class. SP: What, do you have a mental problem or something?

This week Disney bought the Muppets.
SP: "They'll create a pig/frog hybrid that will take over the world. In fact, every time I say Kermit or Miss Piggy I owe Eisner $20."

Mel had a bad experience with two cell phone companies, which recently merged. Mel felt like Superman must have when Brainiac and Lex Luthor joined forces.

Oklahoma: Town will not change its name to Veggieville, even for PETA.

FBI agents accused of horrors.

Bush administration distorts science. Are we surprised?

University reveals robot receptionist; Valparaiso library gets robot help. It's Monkey vs. Robot, people. Pick the winning side now.

and that's it.

Mr. Smarty Pants?

Via MeFi, this link to the "Mr. Smarty Pants" archive at the Austin Chronicle.

Kindred spirit, imposter or moonlighter?

Feb. 13: Mel & Smarty Pants

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd, more pledge driving. Call 256-2001 and give them some money now! Even if the pledge drive's over.

Premia this week:

for $200, you get:
The one-of-a kind glass fish pendant warning system. Each fish has the color and facial expression to match the Department of Homeland Security Warning System levels. From Kathy at Aardvark Art Glass.

Whoa, they're gone already.

Bonus for high pledges: Portrait of John Craniac in the SPAM suit for your wall.

Mel: "You're getting kind of warm there."

for $150, you get:
A replica of a canopic vessel decorated with monkeys and flying saucers, donated by Cowboy Tom.
or
Tickets to Die Fledermaus at Civic Center.

For $125, you get:
Tickets to George Winston.

For $110, you get:
Tickets to the Reduced Shakespeare Company.

For $40, you get:
"Like Us" by Robin Schwartz. - claimed by Peter.
Pamphlets: "How to question citizens: a guidebook for government officials" b/w "How to answer questions from the government."
Feng shui candles - claimed by Scott.

For cheapasses $30, you get:
t-shirts, mugs, etc. Brand yourself for WORT.

News nuggets:
Kids who want to get passports must take their parents with them.

Art Garfunkel's drug offense. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and jail time?

Taiwan: Exploding whale stops city traffic. Mel: "This is for all you Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans."

[Oh god. They're talking about the site... It's my pleasure, you guys. I'm flattered. And sorry about getting surly now and then - it's not you, it's that people around me tend to keep interrupting me to tell me urgent breaking news about the departmental coffee pot etc. But I'm not on the clock, honest!]

Nichole hates when they skip "It's a man's man's man's man's man's world" cuz "I need you" is whiny. And she had some clarifications about the free books for kids in Illinois.

*break*

SP: "Anything more complicated than the water wheel is too much for me."

Men's Journal names Hilary Clinton to toughest men list.

Stoner, Jehovah and Christine are taking pledge calls...

French woman marries her dead boyfriend. You can do that in France, you know.

The feng shui candles are claimed:
SP: "All our feng has been shui'ed around here."
Mel: "More like fungus shui."

WORT will also take your livestock, furniture, etc. for the pledge drive. Stop at the plasma bank on your way to the studio. They also have auto-give: park your car in front of the studio and leave the keys in the ignition.

News nugget:
International Panel Backs Seat for Capital in Congress. Oh yeah, the Bush administration is gonna get right on that.

Pledge now to get a hand-painted plunger for $40 [I think].

For $50, fill a brown paper grocery bag with as much stuff from John Craniac's desk as you can fit.

*break*

SP: "There are so many people here in the studio, I don't feel like I'm just masturbating on air now."

Mel on the Prez's National Guard duty:
May 1-3: filled Jeeps with gas
May 4-16: bathroom break
May 17-29: had to run out to the car for something
May 30-June 15: stopped to tie boot
June 16-30: cleaned rifle
June 21-27: checked air in jet tires.

Mel's theory: Bin Laden is in Pakistan and they'll turn him over in, oh, October.

Cultural uplift: SP recommends Joseph Mitchell's books as his pick of the week. [I hope hat's the right Joseph Mitchell.]

Remember Dick Cheney's "I had better things to do" [than fight in Vietnam] quote? SP: It wouldn't be so bad if they weren't such warmongers. Like the whole "sanctity of marriage" thing - these guys are infavor of families. They have two or three of their own.

SP: Every time we do well in the pledge drive, Craniac the evil taskmaster raises the bar.

Mel: "I saw a couple of college kids carrying a John Dean poster down State Street, getting heckled all the way. Whoops, I meant Howard Dean."

SP: (to Alan the sound engineer) Stop picking at yourself over there, young man! What are you doing?
Alan: Wall.
Mel: Gin.
SP: If your parents did that you can tell us.
Alan lives in one of those houses with the paint peeling off the walls, and he scraped his arm bad...
SP: Oh, you live on Mifflin then?

Ax murderer architecture: when you want to take an axe to whoever designed those crappy buildings.

Mel on Madison renewal: They need to fill in those darn lakes. In the summer they stink and you can drive over them, in the winter you can drive over them, but it's those other months in between that cause the trouble.

*break*

Thanks to Hong Kong Cafe who gave food. Yum. Some duck sauce on Alan's open wound should help.

Scalia won't apologize for hunting trip with Cheney. SP: It's the trip to the naked sweat lodge I'm worried about. [and another humorous take on it]

SPAM suit is gone! Wow. Thanks Deborah.

Lauren got the build-your-own-patriotic-image-White-House. She says: "It's more fun listening to Mel and Floyd than being at work." What a ringing endorsement!

And that's all I got.

Feb. 6: Mel & Smarty Pants pledge drive

Read on for notes on another installment of Madison's second-favorite talk radio show, Mel and Floyd, pledge drive edition. Call 256-2001 now.

Consumer advisory? Maid-Rite sandwich shop at 6750 Odana Rd.: Allegedly a Madison resident tried to buy a burger there while wearing an "Anybody but Bush" button. The manager supposedly called the customer "low-lying Democrat scum" and refused service.

SP: "If we don't get $150,000, we're pulling out of this race."

Premia:
$30 level
Set of four tiny wooden dogs, 4" tall. - claimed.

$40 level
"Like Us" by Robin Schwartz.
"The sound of one thigh clapping" by Meredith Clair - claimed by Lonzo.
5 scented feng shui candles

$50 level
hand-painted plungers. "Functional and decorative." - claimed by Michelle, Johnny.
Glycerin soap-making kit. Craniac: "Suggest shapes that listeners can make with this kit." Mel: "Not our listeners. They already know what to make."
"Patriotic image White House." Puppet president not included.

$60 level
SPAM logo apron
Origami monkeys
Back therapist session
Voodoo Lou voodoo kit

$75 level
WI State Journal 11/7/68, the day Nixon won
Handpainted chairs by Nancy (?)

$100
Impeach Nixon bumper stickers. "Cross out Nixon and write in what you want."
Addams Family Reunion Game [looks like a hot Ebay item!]

$125
George Winston tickets 4/29/04

$135
Jose Feliciano tickets 2/27/04

$200
Still here! SPAM can suit, as worn by John Craniac. Perfect for Valentine's Day. SP: "Here's all the meat you need, darlin'."

Thanks to Jim L. for an envelope full of mandolin picks. "Now, the rest of you follow Jim's example with $10 bills."

From 2 minions: a new commemorative coin from the New England mint. Pure .999 silver clad. Head: Smiling face of Our Perfect Leader with the word "Victory." Other head: Bearded Saddam with the word "Defeat."

Make a pledge or our phone bank will eat so much that they'll plunge through the floor of the studio.

*break*

Biph walked into the studio and dropped off a big check. Mel testified to how wonderfully marvelous his block handwriting is. "I don't think my computer can do that."

Berlin, Germany: Man who taught his dog the Nazi salute (you remember, the one SP dreamed about) was given a 13-month suspended sentence.

Mel Brooks thanks Hitler for the hit.

Maid-Rite sandwich shop at 6750 Odana Rd.: Allegedly a Madison resident tried to buy a burger there while wearing an "Anybody but Bush" button. The manager supposedly called the customer "low-lying Democrat scum" and refused service.

*break*

James J. Jordan Jr. dies.

Officer Steve just made a pledge. Mel: "You've been served with a warrant, actually."
SP: "Lonzo, Biph, Officer Steve - I feel like I'm on an episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse here."

Members of the Skull and Bones: Kerry, Bushes 1 & 2, Taft, etc. etc.

Man bites referee. 48, that's a dangerous age.

Verbally berating a child can be even worse than physical violence. Never yell, scream, call names or curse at your kids - SP's mom is 4 for 4. She called him a coward once at age 9 because he wouldn't jump off the back of a truck. She wouldn't let him put his seatbelt on because it was a "reflection on her driving."
SP: "If my mom ever met a real mom it would be like mom and anti-mom."
Mel: "When you're a parent you do a lot of irrational things."
SP: "Like have kids."
Mel: "Well, there's that."

*break*

SP on the Janet Jackson superbowl thing: No one talks about the simulated rape - just that her breast was visible.

Givers and takers: who pays more to the federal treasury and who gets more out? Are you surprised that GOP states get more goods from the Feds while Democratic states tend to pay in more? [Check out these