A: The following 14 cryptic clues, which all have a characteristic in common, are listed in alphabetical order by answer. Interlock the answers to these 14 clues into the smallest crossword-style grid possible.

Once you have created the grid, use the path directions provided to derive a sentence. Starting with the letter at the intersection of 1 Across and 1 Down, use each compass direction listed to travel to the next letter, passing over any blank spaces in the process.
Add the two digit solution you obtain to the obvious two digit number that you come across during your journey for your final answer.

1) Your orientation within the grid remains the same, i.e. if the next compass direction indicates North, you should always proceed directly upward in the grid.
2) The grid does not wrap around, so any direction that would have you ‘fall off’ the grid means that you should check your work for errors.
3) The final grid is square, and the extents of the words determine the grid size. For instance, if your final crossword is 13 X 13, there will be at least one letter each in row one, in column one, in row thirteen, and in column thirteen.
4) The smallest grid, for the purposes of this puzzle, is the one with the least number of blank squares.
5) Only one letter per crossword square.
6) Each word, when placed in the finished grid, will contain at least two checked (that is, it is part of an answer reading across and another reading down) letters.
7) Certain parts of the question can provide additional hints; even letters, long phrases and some words can too, if you look carefully enough.

Cryptic Crossword Clues:
1. Hanging around, head out, gone fishing
2. Idiotic, like me telling German “No”
3. Treebeard, Quickbeam beginning to enter into agreement
4. Act of gaping unusual on Haiti
5. Break down, tearing up over thankless person
6. Molten tin logs!
7. South American tree bark extract article is taking headline of poison, which moved back
8. Heads northeast after moving point relating to system control, in a sense?
9. Person telling me story about future
10. Wise man with gaming system for 7 foot Russians
11. Prophet to have a vision, for example, from passage
12. Destroys small and medium coals
13. Rev. Spooner’s grain chips have twists and turns
14. Unusual choker without left, right side


Z: Half of the difference between the two years that appear on this coin


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EAST/WEST Semi-Final:
A: Using A=1, B=2, etc, find the total letter value of the 5-letter name of the river that flows through two adjacent counties, whose names are the first and last names of the film character played by the actor who, in a different film from the same decade, played a character whose first name is  [also that of a county in GA, next to a 4-letter county beginning with the same letter, and also a county in SD next to a 7-letter county beginning with the first letter of the last name of the author of this puzzle]*, and whose surname is [ ]* (same as brackets above, except substitute TX for GA and IL for SD)
Z: $A bonus, offered to B by the owner of the C's to develop his signature D...divided by E digits -
and not the ones represented by F's [who had no D, and who won G championships as a coach, the second-most number of championships in the history of his pro sport for a coach] on his H's (a la the evil clan among testudines); but by B's (including the sign of approval of a TV character, whose signature line is an elongated C) on his I's (the CEO of a NYSE-traded company which has an anagram that might describe how his employees see him, and another anagram that might describe the company's end product use) - associated with J, who has a D and does the same thing as B, whose number, K, is associated with a movie whose star had a D in the movie, and whose signature line gives the house a 5.26% advantage and whose 2005 team, L, is also the name of a coast guard vessel represented by what might be quitting time for a G multiplied by M, the number of pro championships earned as a coach by N (who had no D), who was a rival of F in the same sport, where a N is delivered by reorienting and projecting the O, the atomic number of the NYSE trading symbol of I's company.
In other words, (A/E) + (GxM) + O
[Note that B's D is the same variety as that of a president born in a year ending in K, and no president since has had a D of any description.]

A: Sum of the nine digits of an integer which can be expressed as the product of three prime numbers of three digits or greater, two of which begin with a digit not represented in the nine-digit number and none of which contain the only digit that appears twice in the nine-digit number, and which can also be expressed, after a display of calculated manipulation, of the common bond between seven individuals whose two-word names have each been anagrammed into two other words, all rearranged and listed below.















Z: You and I are playing a game of Scrabble. You hold BIKOWY plus a blank and score a whopping 96 points on the first play of the game. I, holding BEEGGMN, am happy you played an I, and I get a bingo for 65. You stare at your second rack (DEIIOXZ). “How can anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?” you wonder, and exchange all of them. My second rack is EEFJLRU. I manage to clean up my rack nicely, using six of my letters, but score a mere 17 points and open up a risky hot spot. Meanwhile, your next rack (CLMNRTU) seems to be even worse than the one you just threw in, but you don’t want to trade twice in a row lest you fall too far behind. How many points can you score for your best play?

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ELITE EIGHT: North & South Regions

Game G:
H: Total amount of postage, in cents, on this envelope:B3ratecov
L: Atomic number corresponding to an anagram of the name of the first city settled in the state in which one might "shoot the star" when performing the official state dance and a word in the title of a movie starring the nephew of a celebrity who starred in more TV shows than anyone else and a person who achieved a unique distinction by recording a song that reached #1 on the Billboard charts.


Game G:
H: Largest 2-digit factor of the integer seen on the thing last associated with a celebrity from the town whose ZIP code is the result of a fifth attempt at this procedure: "Start with a particular 5-digit pattern, add to it the sum of its first and last digits, then multiply by 2", where there are just five logical starting values, and using four of them gives these results: (1) a ZIP used in the seat of Garden County, (2) a ZIP used in the Boston suburb east of Lexington and north of the Concord Turnpike, (3) a number which is not a valid ZIP code, but is half of the ZIP code of the place that is about the same distance SSW of Conklin as it is WNW of Marne, and (4) a ZIP whose first three digits are also the area code used in a small town with the French name (albeit using incorrect gender) for the only movement of Carnival of the Animals that was published during the composer's lifetime.

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ELITE EIGHT: East & West Regions

Game G:

H: Xavier, Yvonne, and Zack all have the same birthday, but were born in different years, so every "when", "was", "is", or "will be" refers to their common birthday in some year, when every age is a whole number.  Now read carefully and try not to get confused! 

In 2000, Yvonne was 14 years older than Zack will be when Xavier is half as old as Yvonne was when Zack was twice as old as Xavier.

In 2003, Zack was 15 years younger than Yvonne was when Xavier was one-third the age Zack was when Yvonne was twice as old as Xavier will be when Zack is 35.

Now, in 2006, Xavier is 16 years older than Zack was when Yvonne was three times as old as Xavier was when Zack was one-third the age Yvonne will be when Xavier is 9 years younger than Zack will be when his age is the difference between those of the other two. 

So, the question is, how old will Yvonne be when Xavier is 3 years younger than Zack was when Xavier and Yvonne's ages combined equalled 12 less than three times Zack's age?
L: The age that the actress that has her picture on one of the cards of the "All in the Cards" contest from GAMES will turn when, according to a famous sci-fi series android, Ireland is reunified

Game G:

1. Multiply these two numbers together:
    * Number of US states that share no point of common latitude with any point in Canada or Mexico
    * Number of US Presidents who, for whatever reason, never resided in the White House with a wife
2. If the result is less than 25, add 50.
3. If the result is more than 99, subtract 50.
4. If necessary, repeat Step 3 until the result is 2 digits.
L: Ricardo is as old as Michael Douglas’s wife used to be when Ricardo was as old as she is now.
How old is Ricardo?

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SWEET SIXTEEN: North & South Regions

Game E:
H:  4I24E11 O3E1I12 3O4E 13O1E A34IE4E2 I1 1OU11A3E11 31A4 1E11 1U3 O4 I11 1I1E 4A1UE1 2U1I12 2A3E 4O1 44I34 3O83I3 4A1 O44I3IA1 4U3O1 3A2A10I1E
L: X = the product of the coordinates of the circumcenter of the triangle whose vertices are A) the population rank of State N on the x-axis, B) the rank according to entry in the union of State N on the y-axis, and C) at the point ( half the number of the letters in State N’s name , number of state owned universities in State N ) ; where State N is the state with the longest name that doesn’t have the same initial letter as another state.

Game F:
H:  Number most prominently displayed on the large colourful object to the left (as we face them) of the large colourful object on the right on the stamp issued 48 years after song A made it to #1 on the Billboard charts in the US and whose singer's original last name, when doubled and joined by the first name of a children's song writer (mentioned later), evokes the large colourful object on the right of the stamp, and whose name (song A's) is mentioned as a world location in the lyrics of song B, written by the children's song writer mentioned previously and released 23 years after song A, which (song B) lists over 60 world locations, all of which are actual world locations except for song A's title, according to the Times World Atlas, and whose lyrics (song B's) includes another location that was involved in a milestone (or first) involving a Locomobile Steamer 100 years before the issue of the stamp.
L:  gekubeerde la raíz cuadrada de la racine carrée de duecento cinquanta sei

Game E:
H: By taking the most direct route via state highways between two towns whose names are synonymous with a clothing storage device and a large group of trees in the state that produces the most cranberries, the sum of your route.
L: All fifth powers end in the same digit as the root.  What is the smallest two-digit number for which neither digit appears in its square, cube, or fourth power?

Game F:
H:  Value of Bob's initials, quotient in this substitution problem:

              B L
B O B / L O D G E
        E Z E Z
          H E H E
          H E H E

L:  Number that is shared by highways that go through Waco, Lincoln and Charlotte.

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SWEET SIXTEEN: East & West Regions

Game E:
Block4_1H: Number of possible palindromic ten-digit phone numbers that could be issued to residents and businesses of Millonocket, Maine (excluding 800 numbers, 900 numbers and any other national or international numbers). 
L: What is the largest 2-digit factor of the plate number on this block of stamps?

Game F:
H: In pennies, the amount that our bodies are worth according to a television character that was given the same nickname as the character whose name anagrams to  MAT  TOBY  PUN.

L: I wrote a check for an amount greater than $10 but less than $100, but accidentally wrote it for too little by switching the number of dollars and the number of cents. The amount I still owed was, in cents, the sum of the two numbers I had switched.  How much was the smaller number?

Game E:
H: P, where P is the peak position in the US of a single that ascended to #1 in the UK on a chart dated exactly N years after a famous record producer/songwriter, Z, was born and where Z wrote the #20 (not its peak) song on the US chart with the same date as the UK chart which was the biggest US hit by a group whose name is the same as a song that peaked at #K in the US in the same year as the charts in question and was co-produced by Z, and where P's prime factorization is K times N.

Game F:
250px2005_0308_urkel_1 H: The percentage of the time that this guy's transformation chamber makes things bigger?
L: Year in which a misprint occurred minus the year in which the same word was sung in a movie where the rhyming word in its couplet, in the same style of misprint, can be formed by solving this equation:

Sports term which shares its name with a game manual written by the author of Munchkin
Comic Strip whose v2.0 byline is “and Semi-Natural Meat Like Snack Products”
Ivy League graduate, UN Ambassador, and one of People Magazine’s Sexiest individuals
Item whose origin arose from ancient civilizations but received its current name in 1916
Game which, when played strategically, has 1,145 possible unique endings
Edible introduced in 1969

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ROUND TWO: North & South Regions

Each of these is the name of a current or former MLB player. The answer to Game A's higher seed is 62.

Game A:
H: Mike Piazza
L: Kenny Rogers

Game B:
H: Jeff Conine
L: Corey Koskie

Game C:
H: Jason Isringhausen
L: Mark Buehrle

Game D:
H: Ken Griffey
L: Darryl Kile


Game A:
H: Highest possible score of an opening Scrabble move by playing the last name of the person who, in an event sanctioned by the National Scrabble Association, played the longest legal word without using more than one letter from any preexisting word on the board, as captured by the journalist whose first and last name can be created through a letter bank of the last name of the singer who once dated another bandmate who replaced the musician whose first and last names together anagram to parts of the body that would aid in the enjoyment of their music, on the same day that Macho Man successfully defended his title and belt against the same opponent for the second time in the same year.

L: The number that fills in the middle blank of this statement:
__________ is the ___th winner of the _____________
where the words that make up the two outer blanks (possibly more than two words in total) anagram to AJAX REGAINS LEADERSHIP with one letter changed.

Game B:
H: Someone unsuspecting people might be on the internet, and findsite dedicated to people who seem to like to ‘gorve’. On this site, there’s a section about fighting fat. A man name Hitlin says that a certain percentage of people who like to gorve walk more when gorving than at home. How many percent?

L: Sum of the numerators, for all applicable sequences of numbers, of the middle of three positive rational numbers expressed in simplest form, and as improper fractions when applicable, which meet the following criteria:
1. The three numbers form an arithmetic sequence
2. The three numbers have a prime product
3. The largest number in the sequence is an integer.
4. The numerator of the middle number in the sequence equals the prime product
5. The denominator of all fractional numbers is a single digit.

Game C:
H: This question is available as a PDF download.

L: Difference (subtract the lesser from the greater) of the year of President George W. Bush's 100th birthday and the nth prime, n derived by adding the last two digits of a) the year a certain TV show debuted in coulour and b) the years of births of a group of six people, who worked on the TV show, which group consists of: the person who composed a song whose lyrics contain 7 consecutive letters of the alphabet and whose last lyric is a name with the initials CC; the person whose birthplace has a traditional language, which, in the version of popular board game using that language, contains double Ls; the person whose real middle name, when combined with an adopted middle name the member used for a while, is an anagram of the name of an inn (the entire name minus the word "inn") found in a 11-letter community found 50 miles east of the city of Portland; the person who has passed on, and whose long-term life partner's last name is the name of the title character (minus the abbreviation) of a 1924 movie starring an actor who, in one of his last films, travelled across Canada in a railway handcart; the person whose documented travels have included attempting to follow an entire line of longitude, and whose last name is an anagram of a noted object to be thrown off Doune Castle in a movie; the only person of the group born in a country not the same country as the other members, on another continent, in a city founded in the 17th century, which Alexander Hamilton lived for a while, and who also worked on "We Have Ways of Making You Laugh."

Game D:
H: The number most often associated with these guys.


L: This question is available as an Excel download.

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ROUND TWO: East & West Regions


Each of these items is a historical event.  The answer to Game A's higher seed is 80.

Game A:
H: The boat that Radio Caroline is on sinks.
L: Karen Carpenter dies.

Game B:
H: The FDA approves the first blood test for AIDS.
L: Yuri Andropov dies.

Game C:
H: The 20th century's only "naked eye" supernova is visible.
L: John Cassavettes dies.

Game D:
H: President Ronald Reagan shot by Hinckley
L: Paris Hilton born

Each is a name.  The answer to Game A's higher seed is 61

Game A:
H: Stan and Loretta
L: Matt in Rochester, NY

Game B:
H: monkeydude
L: Kyle Smith in Manhattan, Kansas

Game C:
H: E. Fullmer
L: James in Detroit, Mi

Game D:
H: Shack in Whittier
L: sin studly17

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ROUND ONE: North & South Regions


Here are sixteen TV shows.  The answer to Duchess's is 83.  Figure out the pattern.

1 Duchess: Lost in Space
16 Coastal Wyoming: Dinosaurs

8 Austin College: Quantum Leap
9 New York Zatbother University: Star Trek

5 Two Lane: Car 54, Where Are You?
12 University Nitwhit: My Mother, The Car

4 University of Mina Tirith: Clueless
13 Yankovic: Gilligan's Island

6 Home Shopping University: What's Happening!!
11 Ima Boomer R. University: Sledge Hammer!

3 University of North Carolina - Snapple: The Munsters
14 Epsilon: Soap

7 Coast Guard: Bosom Buddies
10 Funkenschlag: Gidget

2 Hill Valley U.: WKRP in Cincinnati
15 University of Tuktoyaktuk: F-Troop

Each pair of cities listed equates to a number. The answer for Electoral College is 53

1 Electoral College: Wheeling, WV – Mobile, AL
16 Starbucks University & Coffee Shop: Tacoma, WA – Dallas, TX

8 University of Bikini Bottom: Palo Alto, CA – Trenton, NJ
9 ROUOATRACNU: Cape Hatteras, NC – Cleveland, OH

5 University of Ainseenuthin Technical: Baltimore, MD – Indianapolis, IN
12 Puerto Rico University (+1 Colonist): Las Vegas, NV – Nashville, TN

4 Gipf University: Fresno, CA – Frankfort, KY
13 Creighton Barrel: Tupelo, MS – Minneapolis, MN

6 University Callhailey: Omaha, NE – St. Louis, MO
11 Kansasota: Memphis, TN – Salt Lake City, UT

3 Auntie Em I T: San Francisco, CA – Corpus Christi, TX
14 Catatonic State: Des Moines, IA – Scottsdale, AZ

7 Smucker's: Akron, OH - Miami, FL
10 University of Louisiana - Besorreigh: Waukesha, WI – Biloxi, MS

2 University of North Dakota - Ellendale: Scranton, PA – Salem, OR
15 Isle of University: Juneau, AK – Tallahassee, FL

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ROUND ONE: East & West Regions


Here are sixteen sets of names.  The answer to Declarative State's is 83.  Figure out the pattern.

1 Declarative State: Linda, Jack, Robert & Shirley
16 The Hinterlands: Cloris, Ben, Jane & Gene

8 College of the Golden Oldies: Celeste, Ronald, Loretta & Edmund
9 Men University: Ellen, Art, Ingrid & Robert

5 Oklahoma Dokie State: Louis, Meryl, Ben & Jessica
12 Texas S&M: Red, Miyoshi, Alec & Joanne

4 SSSSSSSSSSE: Tom, Tommy, Anna & Holly
13 The Old School: Maximilian, Rita, Sophia & George

6 Google University: Vivien, Robert, Thomas & Hattie
11 University of California - José Ken: Karl, Vivien, Humphrey & Kim

3 Marginal Benefit University: Diane, Vanessa, Jason & Richard
14 Mosaic College: Cliff, Ruth, Jack, Barbra & Katherine

7 Sullivan: Tatum, Glenda, John & Jack
10 Sean Penn State: Katherine, John, Maureen & Henry

2 University Cantbeserious: Whoopi, Kathy, Jeremy & Joe
15 Allstate State: Olympia, Cher, Michael & Sean

Listed below are the names of 16 fictitious sports teams who will play on behalf of the listed colleges. The answer to University of Catan is 83.

1 University of Catan: Harrisburg Orioles
16 Tick Tock Technical: Wichita Falls Cardinals

8 Bowling Alley: Galveston Stars
9 Magic: The University: Moline Blackhawks

5 Los Angeles University: Big Springs Nuggets
12 Telephone College: Houlton Heat

4 Watson-Crick Institute: Beloit Packers
13 Subliminal University: Pembina Chiefs

6 Rock & Roll Revival University: Fort Lee Giants
11 Cabot Cove College: Louisville Indians

3 Clown College: Bordnersville Rangers
14 International House of Scholarship:  Chesapeake Blues

7 Yukon: Cove Fort Ravens
10 Warthogs: Port Huron Colts

2 University of Little Faith: Corpus Christi Spurs
15 Salmon P. Chase University: Middletown Wizards

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