JonMichael is Neither Jon nor Michael

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Seven: Forgotten but not Gone)

So Blender came up with a 50 bad song list that was maybe half bad songs. Here's a list of 30 more bad songs from the same time period that they seem to have forgotten. Note: many of these songs were listed in two other good books about bad pop music: Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs and The Worst Rock and Roll Records of All Time.

So... onward with the 30 (not ranked) worst songs Blender forgot:
Richard Harris "MacArthur Park" -- Bobby Goldsboro "Honey" -- Chuck Berry "My Ding-a-Ling" -- Zager & Evans "In the Year 2525" -- Think "Once You Understand" -- Ohio Express "Yummy Yummy Yummy" -- Rupert Holmes "Escape" -- The Union Gap "Young Girl" -- Andy Gibb "Thicker Than Water" -- Mariah Carey "My All" -- The Rolling Stones "Emotional Rescue" -- Barry Manilow "Could It Be Magic" -- Toni Braxton "Un-break My Heart" -- Lionel Richie "Truly"-- Charlene "I've Never Been to Me" -- Ready for the World "Love You Down" -- Debbie Gibson "Foolish Beat" -- Stevie Wonder "I Just Called to Say I Love You" -- The Beatles "The Long and Winding Road" -- Timmy T "One More Try" -- Madonna "Justify My Love" -- Byron MacGregor "Americans" -- Victor Lundberg "An Open Letter to My Teenage Son" -- Bee Gees "I Started a Joke" -- Notorious BIG "One More Chance" -- Five Man Electrical Band "Signs" -- Oliver "Jean" -- Donovan "Atlantis" -- Bob Dylan "Lay Lady Lay"-- Jennifer Lopez "I'm Real"

Have a nice day trying to forget these pieces of crap.

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Six: Actually Bad)

44 MEAT LOAF “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” 1993
40 COLOR ME BADD “I Wanna Sex You Up” 1991
39 RICKY MARTIN “She Bangs” 2000
37 GERARDO “Rico Suave” 1991
32 WILL SMITH “Will 2K” 1999
31 CRASH TEST DUMMIES “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” 1994
16 4 NON BLONDES “What’s Up?” 1993
12 THE BEACH BOYS “Kokomo” 1988
10 PAUL McCARTNEY AND STEVIE WONDER “Ebony and Ivory” 1982
5 VANILLA ICE “Ice Ice Baby” 1990
2 BILLY RAY CYRUS “Achy Breaky Heart” 1992

So, out of 50 "worst" songs Blender finds 11 that are actually bad in a singular and interesting sort of way. I guess that's a pretty good record.

Jim Steinman doesn't know when to shut up. Meat Loaf doesn't know not to let Jim Steinman write and produce. The record buying public doesn't realize that Meat Loaf was never that good. Me, I blame Jim Steinman. Overwrought and tooooo looooong.

Aaah... Color Me Badd. As John Sams put it, "You know the actions pretty hot when they will do it ''til they both wake up'." This song sounds like it was written by accident, recorded as something else and became a hit because it had the word "Sex" in the title. Boring and weird. Their other big singles were a lot, A LOT better.

Ricky Martin's "She's All I Ever Had" is terrible. But "SheBangs" has been added to the bad canon by association with William Hung. It was never that good to begin with though. If you wanna dance, put on "Livin' La Vida Loca" or else go home.

Which one of you thought that lecherous and misogynistic Spanglish rap music was a good choice for a hit? Because it wasn't me, palie! While I don't presume to understand Latino ideals, are artists like Gerardo, Jennifer Lopez and Shakira really putting their best foot forward? Yeah, like I'm so proud of Madonna or Britney Spears. Anyway...

I was driving around downtown Madison in fall of 1999. The radio on because my tape deck was broken. And what do I hear... a sample... of "Rock the Casbah"? What is going on? Then I realize it is the latest Will Smith song and then I realize that I'm in Hell.

"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" Deep, man, deep.

I would normally have been easy on 4 Non Blondes, but then I realized that I don't care about this song at all, which makes Blender's arguments about this songs place in grunge more compelling. "What's up?" My lunch.

The Beach Boys without Brian Wilson is like Wham! without George Michael. The fact that some sort of nostalgia or cocaine addiciton led the US to put this atop the charts in '88 is not surprising. What's surprising is that people who know how to rock could simply set that aside to make money by explicitly not rocking. And what's worse, there's a generation of us who think that "Kokomo" is the Beach Boys biggest song and that John Stamos is their drummer.

"[There] was a song in the charts recently about racial harmony. About black and white people living together side by side in perfect racial harmony together on pianos! It might be a bit stupid, like, you know what I mean, but I know pianos aren't gonna solve nothing, you know what I mean?"

Oh no! Not a white hottie rapping. Subruban malls will never be the same. Well, is he any good? Is he a lyrical genius that write mind boggling internal rhymes and provoke dialog on a generational scale? Or does he think that "wearing less than bikinis" is an astute metaphor? Ah crap!

Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" with its insipid line dancing, it multiple weeks on pop and country charts and its incessantly annoying music is the perfect reason to like Blender's list and to hate. Sure they picked a truly irritating, pointless, degarding and stoopid song... but now the blasted thing is my head. "You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas / Or you can tell your dog to bite my leg / Or tell your brother Cliff who's fist can tell my lips / He never really liked me anyway"

Tomorrow: Obvious omissions and other junk...

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Five: Annoying but not Bad)

43 UNCLE KRACKER “Follow Me” 2000
38 REDNEX “Cotton Eye Joe” 1995
29 DEEP BLUE SOMETHING “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” 1995
27 EUROPE “The Final Countdown” 1987
19 MR. MISTER “Broken Wings” 1985
15 THE REMBRANDTS “I’ll Be There For You” 1995
8 EDDIE MURPHY “Party All the Time” 1985
7 BOBBY McFERRIN “Don’t Worry Be Happy” 1988

Whenever you make a bad music list, you must distinguish between that which is bad and that which is merely irritating. For example, "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco is a great song if you hear it once every two to three years. Listening to it four times an hour, however, makes it quickly grate on your nerves. Same goes with most of these songs. If they hadn't have been so darned popular, they would be good, but after hearing them once too often they get called bad, but they really aren't.

You'd think I'd be the first in line to bash Uncle Kracker, with his borrowed eveything and his original nothing. But "Follow Me" is a pretty good tune (even if it is a little cryptic). And I know I like thinking about swimming through someone's veins as rarely as possible. Repeat rate: Every 6-8 months.

Have you ever been to a wedding? Then you've heard the Rednex "Cotton Eye Joe". An agreeable dance song, but ultimately kind of weird. Strangeness does not equal badness, however, but this one should be reserved for wedding. Repeat rate: Every 3-4 years.

Communication in a relationship is Deep Blue Something's deep though of 1995, and while we don't really care about anything they have to say, the refrain here was so catchy that we all got on board. The funny thing is that I know of relationships built on less than a shared favorite movie. So, it's neither implausible nor unlikely. Of course, this kind of yuppie suffering posing as deep makes me blue and I wanna go out and hurt something. Repeat rate: Every 18 - 24 months.

"We're heading to Venus (Venus) and still we stand tall." This song would be downright ridiculous if not for the opening (which sounds a lot like Asia's "Only Time Will Tell"), but the opening is what makes this song perfect for things like basketball games and Contra. Repeat rate: Annual.

"Broken Wings" is probably one of the most raw expressions of non-sexual human emotion to every reach #1. It's a shame it's buried in sub-par synth riffs. Repeat rate: Every 1-2 years.

Friends is no more and so we don't have to hear the Rembrandts every week. Good. Maybe now we can like the song when happen to hear it rather than ALWAYS hearing it. Repeat rate: Every 9 years.

This song wouldn't even be on a bad song list if it weren't ofr two key factors. 1. It was recorded by Eddie Murphy and 2. Eddie Murphy quite clearly is breathing heavily into the microphone intentionally. Otherwise this would be a forgotten minor hit of the 80s (along the lines of Madonna's "Causing a Commotion" or Whitesnake's "Is This Love"). Repeat rate: Every 9-12 months.

OK, I know we all NEVER WANT TO HEAR BOBBY MCFERRIN AGAIN. Which is a shame because he is truly a gifted musician, who happened to catch public attention with this little bland confection. But listen to it. Every noise on the record was made by Bobby. He's really, really good. Just don't believe everything that you read on this one. Repeat rate: Song- Every Decade Artist-At least every few months.

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Four: Not Much to Say)

Non-Hits
47 BRYAN ADAMS “The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You” 1996
26 THE DOORS “The End” 1967
22 TOBY KEITH “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)” 2002
17 HAMMER “Pumps and a Bump” 1994
13 GENESIS “Illegal Alien” 1983
9 MADONNA “American Life” 2003
4 LIMPBIZKIT “Rollin’” 2000

No Opinion
36 MASTER P FEAT. SILKK, FIEND, MIA-X AND MYSTIKAL “Make Em Say Uhh!” 1998
28 JOHN MAYER “Your Body is a Wonderland” 2001
24 FIVE FOR FIGHTING “Superman” 2000

OK, so everyone has songs that they hate that no one else seems to know ("Mother" by The Police is mine). But for as bad as these personal songs are, they don't appeal to the sense of the collective. My friend Donny singing is some of the worst you've ever heard, but that's just it -- you've never heard it. Likewise, these 7 hits are really "hits".

By '96 anyone who still thought Bryan Adams was a rocker was off theirs. I have never heard this song.

The Doors have been heraleded as they most overrated band in the classic rock cannon. In other words, you're not shocking anyone. I have never heard this song.

[Blender Creative Meeting] We here at Blender need a Country song on the list. How about some post 9/11 dreck? Excellent. [/Blender Creative Meeting] I have never heard this song.

Hammer? Who is this Hammer of whom you speak? Oh, MC Hammer. I have never heard this song.

To quote Rick from the Young Ones: "I'm so bored, I may as well be listening to Genesis!" Genesis were never interesting, just catchy. I don't care if this song is profoundly racist and ethnocentrist. Why don't you pick on Jimmy Soul's "If You Wanna Be Happy" or Ernie K-Doe's "Mother-in_law" for their ttreatment of women? I have never heard this song.

American Life was Madonna's first album not to produce a top ten. (Including the Who's That Girl Soundtrack, The Dick Tracy Sountrack, The Evita Soundtrack and, heck, the Vision Quest soundtrack.) So, she finally falls from mainstream favor for one album and you excoriate her for it. Dumb. I have never heard this song.

Rap-metal just plain stinks. I don't even think of it as music. So unless you want to fill the list with non-hit rap-metal with more hate than talent and more obscenity than sincereity, feel free. I have never heard this song.

The other three - I have nothing to say about them.

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Three: Misunderstood)

49 RIGHT SAID FRED “I’m Too Sexy” 1992
48 THE BEATLES “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” 1968
42 SIMON & GARFUNKEL “The Sounds of Silence” 1965
41 BILLY JOEL “We Didn’t Start the Fire” 1989
35 R.E.M. “Shiny Happy People” 1991
33 AQUA “Barbie Girl” 1997
23 COREY HART “Sunglasses At Night” 1984
21 SPIN DOCTORS “Two Princes” 1992
6 HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS “The Heart Of Rock & Roll” 1984
3 WANG CHUNG “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” 1986

Everybody makes mistakes and Blender is not different. Yesterday I said that there were 2 pre-MTV songs. There are actually four and two of them are here. The Beatles and Simon & Garfunkel. Now I'm a hip young music magazine and I wanna make a worst song list that shakes the very roots of the industry. I know I'll put the Beatles on it. That'll show 'em. But I'll put them low. 1968 was the year of "MacArthur Park", "Honey", "Stoned Soul Picnic", "Young Girl" and the birth of bubblegum. "Ob-la-di" would not make the top 50 worst songs OF 1968!

Simon and Garfunkel's masterwork of intimate music "The Sounds of Silence" (the likes of which had never been heard before) may seem to have kicked off an eta of boring singers and boring songwriters with boring themes. Sure. But it also was the best of any of those songs (even their own songs). If rock and roll ever had a serious song, this was it.

Moving to the other end of the sprectrum. Several of these songs are willfully bad... songs that wear their vapidity like a badge of honor. Slamming these songs is akin to giving them a gold star. Right Said Fred's weird, but incredibly catchy "I'm Too Sexy", Aqua's almost dada-esque "Barbie Girl" and The Spin Doctor's we'll-get-a-hit-if-we-cream-puff "Two Princes" all capture and lampoon the very songs they create. They're great, but then the masses took them liminally and so have you. Shame on you, Blender!

Billy Joel just keeps taken crap from rock critics. I'll agree that "We Didn't Start the Fire" is just a list and a pretty pointless one at that, but look at Gilbert & Sullivan. They put one of these numbers in practically every operetta. Pointless list songs are popular and fun as long as you recognize them for their novelty value. Now, was that Mr. Joel's purpose? No, but who cares?

Depression was rampant in alternative of the early 90s. Nobody wanted to smile; everyone wanted to "outserious" the other bands. REM released their biggest hit "Losing My Religion" and had won the war. Then, the changed tack and released a song that was just about happy people. And now critics are blasting them for releasing a song about happy people? Jeez, lighten up.

...but Corey looked so hot in shades!!!!

Huey Lewis & The News were the thinking man's Blues Brothers. (Don't ask!) They desperately wanted to pay tribute to their roots. Of course, Huey never rocked harder than a Wine Cooler ad, but even Wine Cooler ad people need pop music. This song is really pretty good.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight? Why are you referring to yourself as an action? Because you want to have the most fun possible! Great song! Fun to sing! Memorable! Great, great song. I don't even understand their idea. This is so high one the list. This list would make #3 on my worst "Worst Song Lists" list.

Blender's Worst Song List (Part Two: Easy Targets)

50 CÉLINE DION “My Heart Will Go On” 1998
46 NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK “Hangin’ Tough” 1989
45 JA RULE FEAT. ASHANTI “Mesmerize” 2002
34 DAN FOGELBERG “Longer” 1979
30 WHITNEY HOUSTON “Greatest Love Of All” 1986
25 PUFF DADDY FEAT. FAITH EVANS AND 112 “I’ll Be Missing You” 1997
20 LIONEL RICHIE “Dancing On The Ceiling” 1986
18 CHICAGO “You’re the Inspiration” 1984
14 BETTE MIDLER “From a Distance” 1990
11 CLAY AIKEN “Invisible” 2003
1 STARSHIP “We Built This City” 1985

So you're doing a worst song list, huh? Well, then there's an obligatory list of people to punch: Barry Manilow, Michael Bolton, Whitney Houston and so on. Since this list has a narrow scope, let's look at their easy targets.

Celine Dion: with the exception of "Where Does My Heart Beat Now" and "That's the Way It Is" Celine's entire catalog of song is unlistenable. Why single out this one? 'Cause you heard it the most. Personally, "I'm Your Angel" or "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" are the limits of my tolerance more than this 'un.

"Hangin' Tough" is actually one of the more listenable tracks from NKOTB's run. Why not "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)" or "Please Don't Go Girl"? Painful AND slow.

Ja Rule... pick 'em. They ALL suck.

Dan Fogelberg. An interesting choice. An homage to late 70s/early 80s AC but this song is his most listenable top ten. Sure, no one likes it today, but that's like picking on Jazz musicians. I'd leave Dan alone.

Good choice on Whitney Houston ("I believe that children are our future"? Ralph!) Although I would've picked a less obvious choice out of the facts that she had 7 straight #1's, of which 2 were good, 1 decent and the rest crap. (A more minor hit exemplifies that.)

Puff Daddy. Excellent choice, although they all stink.

Lionel Richie had some good songs: "Say You , Say Me", "Love Will Conquer All", "You Are" but he also had some pretty goofy ones as well, this being the worst.

Picking on 80s Chicago is like picking on Ringo Starr's solo career. Although I thought they were even worse post-Cetera.

Bette Midler. Why? Why not Karen Carpenter or Olivia Newton-John or Brenda Lee? They all sang overwrought ballads in at least one phase of their career. Or does Blender's audience only remember things that happened since Grease?

Clay Aiken. Man, that's like picking on the Spice Girls. Even if you get some good points across, we all know that it doesn't matter.

Starship (as Starship) always were worth two pennies. Ironically, their three number ones were all as Starship. Although I think that picking the theme from Mannequin ("Nothing Gonna Stop Us Now") would have been better. Clearly, someone had an axe to grind.

Tomorrow: Misunderstood songs. (Or: Hey, I liked "We Didn't Start the Fire.")

Blender's Worst Song List (Part One: Index)

Here's Blender's Worst 50 Songs List:
Broken Into the Categories that I will respond to them in (so I don't usurp any 100 words essays)
First of all the list shows exactly two songs from prior to MTV (a Beatles song and a Doors song. These people know nothing of the true pain that in 70s AC and 60s Bobby Vinton and Friends)

Easy Targets (People who never made a decent record despite their popularity
50 CÉLINE DION “My Heart Will Go On” 1998
46 NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK “Hangin’ Tough” 1989
45 JA RULE FEAT. ASHANTI “Mesmerize” 2002
34 DAN FOGELBERG “Longer” 1979
30 WHITNEY HOUSTON “Greatest Love Of All” 1986
25 PUFF DADDY FEAT. FAITH EVANS AND 112 “I’ll Be Missing You” 1997
20 LIONEL RICHIE “Dancing On The Ceiling” 1986
18 CHICAGO “You’re the Inspiration” 1984
14 BETTE MIDLER “From a Distance” 1990
11 CLAY AIKEN “Invisible” 2003
1 STARSHIP “We Built This City” 1985

Misunderstood (Songs They Just Don't Seem to Get)
49 RIGHT SAID FRED “I’m Too Sexy” 1992
48 THE BEATLES “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” 1968
42 SIMON & GARFUNKEL “The Sounds of Silence” 1965
41 BILLY JOEL “We Didn’t Start the Fire” 1989
35 R.E.M. “Shiny Happy People” 1991
33 AQUA “Barbie Girl” 1997
23 COREY HART “Sunglasses At Night” 1984
21 SPIN DOCTORS “Two Princes” 1992
6 HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS “The Heart Of Rock & Roll” 1984
3 WANG CHUNG “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” 1986

Why are you wasting your time with songs that weren't even hits?
47 BRYAN ADAMS “The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You” 1996
26 THE DOORS “The End” 1967
22 TOBY KEITH “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)” 2002
17 HAMMER “Pumps and a Bump” 1994
13 GENESIS “Illegal Alien” 1983
9 MADONNA “American Life” 2003
4 LIMPBIZKIT “Rollin’” 2000

Annoying, maybe, but not actually bad
43 UNCLE KRACKER “Follow Me” 2000
38 REDNEX “Cotton Eye Joe” 1995
29 DEEP BLUE SOMETHING “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” 1995
27 EUROPE “The Final Countdown” 1987
19 MR. MISTER “Broken Wings” 1985
15 THE REMBRANDTS “I’ll Be There For You” 1995
8 EDDIE MURPHY “Party All the Time” 1985
7 BOBBY McFERRIN “Don’t Worry Be Happy” 1988

I have no opinion on these songs
36 MASTER P FEAT. SILKK, FIEND, MIA-X AND MYSTIKAL “Make Em Say Uhh!” 1998
28 JOHN MAYER “Your Body is a Wonderland” 2001
24 FIVE FOR FIGHTING “Superman” 2000

Actually Bad
44 MEAT LOAF “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” 1993
40 COLOR ME BADD “I Wanna Sex You Up” 1991
39 RICKY MARTIN “She Bangs” 2000
37 GERARDO “Rico Suave” 1991
32 WILL SMITH “Will 2K” 1999
31 CRASH TEST DUMMIES “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” 1994
16 4 NON BLONDES “What’s Up?” 1993
12 THE BEACH BOYS “Kokomo” 1988
10 PAUL McCARTNEY AND STEVIE WONDER “Ebony and Ivory” 1982
5 VANILLA ICE “Ice Ice Baby” 1990
2 BILLY RAY CYRUS “Achy Breaky Heart” 1992

Singles vs. Albums

This came out of the "Moments to Remember" post and I wanted it have its own home.

There is an article (Link to be provided later) that suggests that musicians fear having their albums torn apart by those who want to pay for a download only a couple of singles. John and I, as staunch single supporters believe that this a good thing since most albums we have to buy (to maintain out top ten list collection) are one or two good tracks sould with 17 songs worth of crap.

Sean, correctly I think, argues that album-oriented musicians will still sell the whole album because the good is there. I agree but I think that the crux of this argument is whether the album should continue to exist at all. The only reason we have the thing is because of marketing conditions surrounding vinyl. The two formats from the 60s (the 33 and the 45) were both the product of vigorous pushes by record companies that had patents on the technology, much the same way DVDs are manufactured today. This is OK for a while, but now music (masquerading as information, according to Sean) can be transferred WITHOUT any cost of creation. That's the reason no one can really push this, because now the only money record companies will make is off of the talent that they posses and in this world of narrowcasting, there is no way to make a lot of money on anybody. And they'll still have to make videos for MTV, and they'll still have to sponsor bloated concert tours pushing more money into ClearChannel's pocket.

But this is the true revolution. If Usher finishes a song, why shouldn't he make it for sale that night? Why wait until you have 13 tracks? Isn't the release date of an album meaningless. I hope that songs will eventually replace albums completely. If someone has an artistic vision for an entire album (people like Beck and Tori Amos) by all means continue to release it. But why should greedy record companies that release two or more versions of the same album (to get more money out of those who buy early) get rewarded for HOLDING back material. More discussion, doubtless will occur in the comments so stay tuned.